Travels with Tina: Basketball in Lubbock

Shortly before Christmas, I was invited to work a basketball game between Texas Tech and SMU. I immediately accepted. Not only would I get a travelling rate of pay, I'd also get to watch Bobby Knight demolish a hapless SMU basketball team. And I could write up the whole experience for TYSports! Good times!

Two days after they booked me for the job, I found out that I was actually going to work a Women's Basketball game.

Life is very unfair sometimes.

But I decided to make lemonade. We've taken a lot of shots at SMU lately, and TY pointed out that we've yet to even mention Texas Tech. So here, in the latest installment of Travels with Tina, is a brief synopsis of Texas Tech athletics, with a specific focus on the December 29th game between the Texas Tech Lady Raiders and the SMU Mustangs.

A Texas Tech fan shows his support by giving the traditional "Guns Up!" hand signal.

As anyone who pays attention to the news already knows, Bobby Knight is a big supporter of the Guns Up! concept. He's not the only crazy-ass Men's coach at Tech. There's also Mike Leach, the head football coach who happens to have a bizarre fascination with pirates.

Meet the Masked Rider, one of Tech's mascots. The domino mask and swishy cape add to the bizarre gay male aesthetic that seems to dominate Texas Tech sports.

For anyone who doesn't follow Big 12 athletics, Texas Tech maintains spirited rivalries with both Texas and Texas A&M.

Meanwhile, A&M and Texas maintain a spirited rivalry with each other.

That should be enough background for our purposes with this travelogue. Saturday morning found me on a flight out of Love Field, headed for Lubbock. An hour after takeoff, we were back on the ground and I had arrived.

Mike Leach's insane ramblings had me paranoid about potentially coming down with scurvy, so I headed straight from the plane to the food court so I could get some Vitamin C.

Above: The Lubbock International Airport food court. Not pictured: Any employees. Or food.

Much to my chagrin, there was no way for me to buy anything to eat. Strike one, Lubbock.

Also at the Lubbock International Airport: Lots of wood paneling. What better way to remind Lubbock's visitors of the time in 1978 when they got molested in their uncle's basement?

Finally, someone came and picked me up from the airport. It took them a while to find me... there are 4 whole entrances (one for each major airline that offers daily jet service to the second largest city in the Big 12 Conference. Thanks, media guide!) and we got a little confused. After a quick stop at Burger King so I wouldn't starve to death, we arrived at the United Spirit Arena.

The rear tunnel entrance. I feel that the roof tiling gives the whole building a nice Retirement Community feel.

Why were we instructed to enter through the rear tunnel? I just chalk it up to whatever caused the Masked Rider and Leach's obsession with pirates. It must be contagious at Texas Tech.

15 seasons ago, The Texas Tech Lady Raiders won a NCAA Championship. It was neither the first nor the last time that Sheryl Swoopes' physical abilities allowed other women to feel the ultimate thrill.

I would have taken a picture of the Texas Tech Men's banner for a Big 12 Conference Championship... but there wasn't one hanging in the arena. There also didn't seem to be any Big 12 championship trophies for the football team, either. It turns out that Texas Tech football has never even played in a Big 12 Championship game.

Do the research, and it seems that Tech only has 8 Big 12 Championships. Compare that to 87 for Texas and 29 for Texas A&M. Hell, even Baylor has 24. Ursa Domina says that Texas Tech was scheduled as Baylor's homecoming game this year. Whatever that means to you, I personally don't think it reflects well on the Red Raider football team.

For anyone who may be wondering, the only Big 12 Championships Texas Tech has ever won in a men's sport are:

1997: Baseball Regular Season champions
1998: Baseball Conference Tournament champions
2005: Outdoor Track and Field champions

They talk a good game, but it doesn't appear that the on-field or on-court performance for the Gentlemen Athletes of Lubbock has amounted to much since... Well, since the founding of their conference.

Tech's other 5 championships? Women's Basketball. The last one was 7 years ago, but ignore that little detail for a minute. I learned from the play-by-play guy that Tech Women's Basketball is apparently a very big deal in Lubbock. I'm told that before Bob Knight got there, Tech actually scheduled Women's games as the main side of doubleheaders so they could bring up the Men's attendance.

For the life of me, I can't imagine how people in Lubbock could force themselves to sit still for two and a half hours to watch Women's Basketball or any other Texas Tech sport. According to page 205 of the Lady Raiders Media Guide:

There is plenty to keep you busy in Lubbock as the city boasts the largest single story mall in Texas, literally hundreds of the most popular restaurants, two 16-plus screen movie theaters, bowling alleys, an omni-max theater, museums, lakes, parks, and many other activities.

If hourly screenings of Alien vs. Predator, ample mall space, dinner at the Olive Garden, and "many other activities" (P.R. speak for "We ran out of shit to say, but it would be too dismal to end this list without giving people hope.") aren't enough to satisfy, you can always sit on one of the many park benches and reflect upon Lubbock's proud musical history.

The Media Guide goes on to scream:

DID YOU KNOW?????
The Lubbock area is home to some of the most famous names in the music business.
Natalie Maines, lead singer for the Dixie Chicks
Richie McDonald, lead singer for LoneStar
Buddy Holly, legendary rock and roll artist
Tanya Tucker, country music singer
Waylon Jennings, country music singer and the narrator from the Dukes of Hazzard
Mac Davis, country music singer
Joe Ely, rock and roll artist

Hey, Nashville- Suck Buddy Holly's statuesque bronze dick! Lubbock is the REAL Music City, U.S.A.!!

But enough about the sights (make sure you visit Prairie Dog Town!) and sounds (who doesn't love the Dixie Chicks?) of Lubbock. Let's talk about the glorious sport of Women's Basketball!

To be perfectly honest, I didn't really know anything about the mechanics of the game. In my imagination, Women's Basketball was played in a very large kitchen, with the oven timer doubling as the 20 minute clock for each half. But the ladies actually play on a traditional basketball court, complete with 10 foot rims and everything!

The SMU ladies do some pre-game stretching.

So, how was the game? Well, if you hate slam dunks and love missed layups and field goals, this would have been heaven for you. In the end, Texas Tech outshot SMU (a deadeye accurate 36% for Tech compared to a mere 33% for SMU) on the way to a 75-70 victory. The game reminded me of watching preschool children play soccer. Everyone clusters around the ball, there's a lot of flailing around, nothing looks coordinated, and on very rare occasions someone gets lucky and actually scores points.

Despite the sloppy play, TYSports salutes both the Mustangs and Lady Raiders for not letting a lack of penises stop them from doing their best to impersonate an actual Men's sport. No cheerleading for these gals, thank you very much!

For anyone else in the announced crowd of 8,937 that may have been unsatisfied with the game, there was always the halftime show!

Your halftime entertainment: The Long Girlz.

Will the Long Girlz be added to the list of famous Lubbock musicians? The answer is: No. I have successfully repressed the memory of what song they performed, but I remember thinking at the time that Pat Benetar was probably spinning in her grave. Unlike Buddy Holly, who was arguably the 3rd best musician to die in the crash of his 4-seat airplane* (and that's assuming that the pilot didn't play harmonica or hum) , the Long Girlz will not go down in Lubbock history. Unless their dad decides to start whoring them out, Joe Simpson style (Tony Romo is taken, ladies!) or they narrate the next Dukes of Hazzard movie... I just don't think that they'll ever be Women's Basketball Media Guide listworthy.

The final verdict? I've never been so happy to finish a job and get the hell out of a town. Lubbock is arguably the worst place I've ever visited. And I've been to both Waco and Jackson, Mississippi. We were driving home so fast that we got pulled over. Twice.

Get your Guns Up, Red Raider fans. And put them against your heads. Nobody can blame you Texas Tech students if you'd rather kill yourselves than spend 4 years living in Lubbock.



*- Just kidding. I actually like Buddy Holly and think he's a great singer and songwriter. Lubbock really does suck, though.

I can't wait for this movie!

EDIT: An even better picture from his MySpace page via The Sporting Orange

If you're like me, you've had no internet save a Verizon Card for three weeks and are caught in limbo between having furniture and sleeping on the street thanks to incompetent movers. You need a pick me up, a feel good movie like "Remember the Titans" or "Radio." Well, get ready to smile and learn to love again (through sports!), because McG has announced a new sports project:

"What the Fucking Fuck?: The Chris Jessie Story"

The film will be a heart-warming tribute of the trials and tribulations of being Mack Brown's stepson. We'll see Chris wonder why the hell Daddy loves all of these big black men more than him and share the heartbreak when Chris finds step-pappa in bed with Yince Young.

"You don't understand me, Dad! I know he makes you look good, but who's going to make me look good?"

Rich and compelling.

We'll also track young Chris as a he rides the coattails of nepotism after striking out at various townie jobs across North Carolina and Austin. Remember in Talladega Nights when Ricky Bobby has to work for Huggalo's pizza? Just imagine young Chris attempting to pick up pizza, a dropped burger patty a Dairy Queen or who knows what else? Chris will seem to so flawed and relatable that you can't help but wish for him to have his moment - and once Daddy pities him and adds him to Team Brown, you'll be in tears - hilarious tears.

"Never touch a black man's Radio!" - Mack Brown

After some zany bonding antics ("Dad, why do you let Colt sleep in my bed why I sleep in the outhouse?" "Because you're not the full-product of my semen, but that doesn't mean I don't love you."), the big game comes. Texas is fresh off a season of winning games they didn't deserve (UCF, Arkansas State, Nebraska, Oklahoma State) and losing ones they never should (Kansas State, Texas A&M - again!) and they are looking for redemption against a putrid PAC-10 team reborn under a drunken, worthless Dennis Erickson (played by the real Mack Brown with some makeup and glasses.)

Just like Rudy (or Jenna Jameson), you'll know what's coming next, but that doesn't mean you won't swallow it whole. In the second quarter, with a 21 point lead, Rudy Carpenter will get sacked and the ball will roll tantalizing close to Chris. This is his moment, will he lose himself or joke like a piece of white trash from the other side of the trailer park? Chris reaches for not just the ball, but love, the love of a man who has spent more time chasing young boys around Texas than giving him the love he deserves. He may not capture that ball, but damn it, he'll capture your heart!

Mack Brown will also learn a lesson in love he'll never forget as he protects his son during a smirking, sarcastic half-time interview. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll Chris Jessie all over your pants.

From the "We've All Thought It, But Damn, Dude" Department

You know how we haven't mentioned on this blog for awhile? Texas A&M. And I know our growing fan base of UNT, SMU and Baylor Bears needs more A&M news - probably by the bushel. Well, hold off on the bushel for now, but I'm happy to let you know that the idiot yell leaders at A&M decided that it is now time for JoePa to die!

The Yell Leader, a male student cheerleader who organizes cheers at football games, was on stage during the pep rally when he grabbed the microphone and unleashed on Paterno, 81.

"Joe Paterno's on his death bed! And someone needs to find him a casket!" the Yell Leader screamed. Stunned PSU fans started booing. The Yell Leaders quickly left the stage, and the pep rally continued.

I can't speak for AP Keaton, but we managed to catch one yell practice for the first team in years and were simply amazed at the lack of talent or overall competence of the current group. Part of the Yell Practice is telling made-up stories that deal with the other team. You can take this any direction and in the past (ie 7-8 years ago), it has been pretty funny. Now - not so much. The A&M fan base is mostly appalled - I think. You decipher it.


If you have ever read this site before, you know our love of distasteful comments so this post is not to indict the statement - at least in that sense. My problem is that it wasn't funny. The Yell Leader makes a drunken, rambling ass of himself before he delivers this "killer line" (hey-o!) The truth is that age jokes are pretty much only funny every time when you have friends pushing 30, 40 or 50 and you want to beat them into submission. A JoePa is old joke was much more interesting maybe 10 years ago. He's basically the Crypt Keeper now, so its best to just let it go. (That said - we'll take any and all JoePa death jokes in the comments section.)

There is no reason this crop of mediocrity (at best) should be put in front of people at our Yell Practice, let alone a joint one. I am not sure if it was a junior or senior leader - I'm hoping senior - but I hope it's the last time we see him.

And to anyone who says I should get out there and just do it myself, I say give me a scholarship and a microphone and I'll rock that shit all day.

The TY Hot Seat: Brett Vito edition

It's easy to point fingers and scold or mock certain universities when they go two months without hiring a football coach. But it's a lot tougher to look in the mirror and atone for your own failings when you leave people waiting almost 10 weeks between TYSports interviews.

In our defense, it's not that we've been neglecting the TY Hot Seat. In fact, the reason it's been so long since our last interview is because we couldn't get previous subject Tim MacMahon to leave. We love Timmy Mac, but after about 6 weeks of him lounging around in the Hot Seat with no end in sight... we were left with no choice but to forcibly remove him.

He did not go without putting up a tremendous fight. And once we finally got him out the door, we came to find that he had left the Hot Seat a horrible mess.

Where did those stains come from? Only Tim MacMahon knows for sure.

Obviously, we couldn't bring in any new interview subjects until we had the Hot Seat fixed up and in proper condition to entertain distinguished guests.

Newer members of the DJA may not be aware that TYSports superstar Alex P. Keaton spent several years as Martha Stewart's personal assistant. Using the tips and tricks Alex learned from Martha before she was shipped off to federal prison, Alex and Nappy have spent the past month working in shifts, scrubbing and washing the Hot Seat to make it presentable again.

It's not perfect, but it'll do for now. Good work, Nappy and Alex!

Unfortunately, all that cleaning still couldn't get rid of a lingering funky smell. Team Tina is debating whether we should reupholster the chair, or throw it out altogether and come up with a new, not-stolen-from-ESPN concept for hosting interviews. Share your thoughts and/or suggestions in the comments section.

The important thing is, after 10 long weeks, we were finally able to welcome our latest TYSports interviewee: Brett Vito, North Texas beatwriter and contributor for the Dallas Morning News and Denton Record-Chronicle.

TY challenged me to secure this interview with Vito as part of my penance for lying to everyone and spreading false rumors about Butch LaCroix resigning. Wait, did I say false rumors? Because it turns out that was actually true.

Take heed, North Texas athletics: Never again will TY bow to your demands for censorship and restraint. The next time we break a big story, not even the sexy power of Rick Villarreal himself will silence TYSports.

Enough foolishness and ominous threats. On with the interview!

TYSports' questions, represented photographically above by a small child forced to stand in the corner, are below in BOLD.

Brett Vito's answers, represented photographically above by Brett Vito's photograph (shamelessly stolen from the DR-C), are below in PLAIN TEXT.

Welcome, Mr. Vito. We haven’t gotten the Hot Seat reupholstered yet, so you may want to sit on your coat or something. Now then... Unlike Mr. MacMahon, I wasn’t able to find a public mini-bio for you on any of the Belo newspaper websites. For the benefit of the Dick Joke Armey (you may want to use small words), give us a brief overview of your background and how you came to be tangled up in the sordid world of North Texas sports.

My goal in the sports writing business – and be careful what you wish for – was to cover a Division I team. Ya know, the big time. Travel to exotic locales. Cover the best of the best. I graduated from Truman State in Missouri and made a terrible mistake after graduation by taking a job as a one-man sports department in Olney, Ill. -- home of one of the largest colonies of white squirrels in the world. Don’t believe me? Look it up. I spent one summer there before Todd Hutchinson bailed me out by giving me a job at the Herald-Democrat in Sherman-Denison. I went on to work at the Abilene Reporter-News and then landed at the DR-C. I have had pretty good luck over the years. I covered Grayson Country College’s back-to-back junior college national championship baseball teams that featured John Lackey of Los Angeles Angels fame in Sherman-Denison and also covered Abilene Christian in the Division II World Series before going to a couple of New Orleans Bowls and an NCAA Tournament while covering UNT. Now I get to travel to all those exotic locales like Jonesboro, Murfreesboro and Monroe.

Despite the fact that your career is currently dedicated to providing North Texas fans with daily updates on their beloved sports teams, a certain subset of that group gripes at every opportunity that YOU SUCK !!1!11!! because you’re not constantly heaving grenades via loaded questions and ruthless opinion columns. Does that sort of criticism affect you? Have you ever felt compelled to murder any particularly annoying members of Mean Green nation? Is it even possible to satisfy that segment of your readership?

I don’t think it’s a good idea for anyone in this business to ignore criticism from readers. They are the people you are trying to serve. I try to take what people have to say and be constructive with it. Sometimes people have a point, whether if it is that you are not critical enough of a coach or the program or you are not providing something they want. The thing that I think is toughest about being the lone voice from a hometown publication covering a program is there is no opportunity to have a columnist or someone established as the voice of opinion at the paper to step in and let someone have it or support someone when it isn’t the popular thing to say. If anyone is going write the column that UNT’s defense is terrible or that attendance at basketball games is a problem, it has to be you. And you have to find a way to write those columns without burning your sources or being a mouthpiece for the athletic department. Tim MacMahon was a master at it. I swear the guy could have written that Rick Villarreal and Darrell Dickey were born in an outhouse in Alabama and everyone still would have been dying to tell him all their deep dark secrets. That is what makes Tim great. Mark my words. T-Mac will be a columnist at the Morning News. That’s what made Tim hell to follow at the DR-C. I try to follow the same path of being tough but fair. It’s just isn’t as easy as it sounds.

To follow up on the previous question, I’ll recycle one we asked former North Texas beatwriter Tim MacMahon. How tough is it to cover a beat aggressively without losing the access you need to do your job, and is it possible to stay simultaneously on the good sides of the readers, the organization you cover, and your editor?

That is perhaps the toughest part of the job. I try to develop a good enough relationship with the coaches and key administrative people that they will let you know what is going on and respect the fact that you have a job to do when things go wrong. It’s a whole lot harder than it sounds, especially when a team is losing a lot. Coaches and players are not big fans of answering questions about why their team is terrible every day and then opening the paper the next day to read about how terrible they are. Like anything else, it's tough to make everyone happy and it's not really your job to do that anyway.

You’re also involved in blogging. But unlike TYSports, you’ve chosen to avoid shameless rumor mongering and libelous fake stories in favor of reporting verified facts or first-hand observations. How is the whole ‘legitimate reporting’ blog concept working out for you? Have you ever considered trying to incorporate more dick jokes?

I enjoy a dick joke as much as the next guy, but blogs are a reflection of the platform that supports them. In this case a newspaper, one of the most conservative outlets in America, supports the Mean Green Blog. If I told dick jokes, the joke would be me in the unemployment line. But don’t think I don’t appreciate what you guys do. It’s just a different type of blog. I actually think the Mean Green Blog serves a purpose. People seem to like it. The Mean Green Blog is actually the top performing blog out of all the Denton Record-Chronicle’s blogs. I think that means I have THREE WHOLE READERS.

Among NT fans, one of the biggest dead-horse topics that won’t go away is the pros and cons of joining the WAC. Strictly from a reporter’s perspective… Can you explain how 8/9/10:00 p.m. kickoff times affect newspaper coverage? In your opinion, would games against San Jose State or Nevada garner appreciably more media attention than games against Arkansas State or Florida Atlantic?

Mention a West Coast Conference to most veteran UNT athletic department officials and they go into convulsions. Their reasoning for not wanting to play in a West Coast Conference is solid from a lot of perspectives, including from a media standpoint. What people don’t realize is that when you are battling for every bit of publicity you can get, starting games at 8 or 9 p.m. is a terrible deal. Games don’t make the late newscasts and most papers can’t get stories worth a darn in most of their editions. A UNT game on the West Coast might only make a small portion of the papers that are printed and what gets in would generally be a short nuts and bolts story about what happened and not much more. A game on the West Coast is like a tree falling in the forest. If no one is up to watch the game or if fans can't read about it the next day, is it really that important to anyone but the hardcore fans? Recruits also want to know that if they score the game-winning touchdown with two seconds left that it isn’t going to be buried in a six-inch story on Page 12 that says nothing more than Johnny scored the game-winning touchdown. For details see our Web site. I don’t think it would help UNT a whole lot when it comes to media attention to play Nevada rather than Arkansas State. In the media business it’s all about where you rank on the pecking order of teams in a coverage area. Timing is more important than who a team is playing. A UNT-Middle Tennessee game might get better play than a UNT-Nevada game on the basis of timing alone.

The Todd Dodge regime hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows for legit working media types like you. Closed practices and scrimmages, no unauthorized access to assistant coaches… How much does the reduced access affect your ability to properly cover the football team? Is there any particular coach from the past or present that stands out as being especially media-friendly?

It does make it tough to cover a team when you have limited access to the people involved with the program. I can still watch practice from outside the gates, so that is no big deal, but when you can't talk to assistant coaches on or off the record, it makes life a lot tougher. I used to sit and talk with assistants who would let me know what was going on, which would allow me to give a better picture of what is going on with the team. It was pretty awkward last season when UNT had the worst scoring defense in the country and the defensive coordinator was never allowed to talk with the media. Most coaches at UNT are very media friendly, including Johnny Jones and Tina Slinker. Darrell Dickey was extremely media friendly and I think that paid off for him in the long run.

What's it like interacting with UNT Assistant Sports Information Director Stephen Howard? Is he emotionally abusive to you like he was to Team Tina on our first date with him?

Stephen is a great guy to deal with. The guy answers his phone, puts out good notes and gets me access to the players I need. We have grabbed lunch before, which I didn’t consider a date. I will have to defer to TYSports when it comes to comments on his dating style.

For the past half-decade, a new football stadium has always unofficially been Two Years Away. What gives? Is it ever coming? 30 years from now, will I be telling the next generation of NT fans that we absolutely must replace Fouts Field? I was sort of hoping my future self could just focus on telling everyone who doesn’t want to listen about the glory days back when the great Darrell Dickey beat Texas Tech.

I would go with the Baylor win when talking about the height of the glory days of Double-D. Any way, back to the stadium issue. UNT needs a new stadium. There is no question about that. And it has been talking about building one for slightly longer than forever, so I understand why people are skeptical. UNT is working behind the scenes to sign up major boosters and has a plan in place. In my humble opinion, the big obstacle left is finding someone who will kick in the type of money for the naming rights -- $10-20 million – UNT needs to get the ball rolling faster. With the stadium to be located near the juncture of the two branches of I-35, it makes too much sense for it not to happen.

In the first edition of the TYSports Hot Seat, Ramone Archie blew the lid off of Darrell Dickey’s diabolical “Destroy UNT Athletics” plan. With your investigative skills and close proximity to the program, you must have been aware of Dickey’s fiendish plot. I know you are sworn to be objective, but in the face of such pure and total evil… Were you ever tempted to intervene?

I cannot tell I lie. I like Darrell Dickey and think he was an important part of the development of the UNT athletic program. He led UNT to four straight Sun Belt Conference titles and was the key factor in Jim McIngvale donating $1 million that helped get the Mean Green Athletic Center built. Outside of the football team’s bowl run and the men’s basketball team advancing to the NCAA Tournament, the construction of the athletic center is the most important event in UNT athletics in the past few years. Recruits rave about the place. Dickey’s team went downhill the last two years and his relationship with some people both inside and outside the athletic department soured. Maybe it was time for a change, but I would rather remember people for the positive contributions they made rather than tear down someone who did a lot of good for the university.

Our final question for you is a hypothetical one. Suppose God were to wave his Sexytime! magic wand and make you the Athletics Director at North Texas for one week. Once you were done admiring your new self in the mirror, what would you do?

I would hatch a fiendish plot to force all the flute-toting band dorks and art majors at UNT to attend an athletic event on a somewhat regular basis. UNT could build the best stadium this side of the Cowboys new joint, win like it did in the height of the Dickey years in football and keep improving in basketball and still face challenges while trying to move up in the world of college athletics because of attendance issues. In the long run, UNT is going to have to show it can put butts in the seats to get to where it wants to go. UNT received a boost from the Southlake fan contingent and a game against Navy this year and still only averaged 17,734 fans at home games. In the long run it has to be the students and Denton community that push UNT over the top. Shock collars, bribery, UNT has to do something to get students to games. UNT has done a lot better lately when it comes to attendance, but I still see it as a key issue facing the athletic department. If UNT had a new stadium and was averaging 40,000 fans for football and 7,500 for men's basketball, another conference might become a viable option. If UNT could get into a league with some in-state rivals, it would do the program a world of good, but it isn't going to happen without better attendance.

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Many thanks to Brett Vito for taking the time to answer our jackass questions. Especially since the poor guy has been fighting a hospitalization-worthy case of bronchitis. Get well soon, Brett! Tina loves you!

Brett Favre is Rounding into Playoff Form - Just in Time!

"The rebirth of Favre is bad news for Bears fans. But it's great news for football, sports and, when you think about it, life." - Jay Mariotti, earlier this season, oblivious that the Bears would continue Lovie Smith's dominance of the Cheeseheads.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Nine yards in the first half!? Picks being run back for touchdowns? Now that's the Brett Favre we have all grown to love over the last decade! Favre even took the time to complain about the weather, saying it was the worst he ever played in. It seems weird that cold weather and win would bite a team in the ass that is incapable of running the ball. I just wish TY the Cowboy Homer was alive to see this.

I guess we can now confirm Brett Favre is sleeping with Jessica Simpson too. Enjoy that one home game, Brett. Hope you don't lose to the Seahawks!

NOTE: ESPN is now saying the Packers losing is the best thing that could have happened to them. "They'll wake up and they are going to play again on Sunday." Wow - deep."

Great football teams and great competitors loved to be challenged... And Brett Favre one of the greatest we have ever seen play this game - 0-9 in Dallas. You don't think he wants to exorcise those demons? I guarantee you , he wants to go to Dallas and put all that to bed...this is great for the Green Bay Packers" - Noted Steroid Expert and ESPN Analyst Mark Schlereth.

And to answer your question, this post in no way hides any underlying fear that another Dallas team will soon suffer an embarrassing post season flame out to the Redskins or Giants. Please Lord, let us get Tampa Bay in two weeks.

A TYSports Christmas Miracle: Rescuing the Ponies

Trouble on the Hilltop? Bah-ha-HA! Humbug!!

We here at TYSports (particularly me) have had a lot of fun at the expense of SMU fans lately. And how could we not? Their football team is fresh off of a 1 win season and in the middle of a two month long search for a head coach that keeps failing to deliver new leadership. They are totally rudderless, there is no timetable for a hire, and their Athletics Director has turtled up and won't come out of his shell. Oh, and they're losing previously committed recruits to IDAHO.

It seems impossible, but their basketball team is in even worse shape. The University of South Carolina Upstate celebrated the first Division 1 victory in their history by beating the hardwood horsies. SMU also lost by 14 points to Southern University, which has since gone on to lose 9 straight games by a combined margin of 184 points (including a 21 point loss to the mighty Mean Green). They also lost to Centenary by 17 points (North Texas beat them by 22), Alabama State (by 10), and Dayton (by 25).

Things are so bad, even their assigned beat writer doesn't bother paying attention to them anymore.

Pony Down! (in the dumps)

Surveying the wreckage of SMU Athletics under Steve Orsini, I first felt a certain measure of schadenfreude-based satisfaction. SMU grads forced to wallow in a festering pit of despair... on a massive scale. Fantastic!

But then, I started to think... What about all the people that Steve Orsini is hurting? What about all those poor, pathetic little PonyFans, so beaten down that they can't even dare to hope for a brighter future without it being stolen away by Georgia Tech?

For goodness sakes, it's the Holiday Season! And whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Dongzhi Festival, Grand High Climax, Boxing Day, Junkanoo, Montol Festival, Korochun, Brumalia, HumanLight, Ōmisoka, Ziemassvētki, Yalda, Tom Bawcocks Eve, or the Night of the Radishes...

This time of the year is supposed to be about caring for others. About selflessness.

So I stopped thinking from my own perspective about the pathetic shitheap standing in for a Hilltop. Instead, I started to consider what it must be like to live under such conditions. To be ignored by the adults who are supposed to look out for your best interests. Getting hurt again and again, having to live in constant fear of a beating whenever one of your teams takes on even the weakest opponent possible. To have nobody to turn to... Nobody to dry your many, many tears. Nobody to hear your cries for help.

That's when it finally hit me:

Steve Orsini is a neglectful parent.

Mustangs fans are abused children.

Something must be done.

Don't just take my word for it... Look at what Texas Child Protective Services says are the warning signs:

Suspect Physical Abuse When You See:

• Frequent injuries ... without adequate explanations
• Aggressive, disruptive, and destructive behavior
• Passive, withdrawn, and emotionless behavior
• Unreasonable clothing that may hide injuries to arms or legs

Suspect Neglect When You See:

• Obvious malnourishment
• Lack of personal cleanliness
• Torn or dirty clothing
• Stealing or begging for food
• Child unattended for long periods of time
• Need for glasses, dental care, or other medical attention

Suspect Emotional Abuse When You See:

• Over compliance
• Low Self Esteem
  
• Severe depression, anxiety, or aggression
• Difficulty making friends or doing things with other children
• Lagging in physical, emotional, and intellectual development
• Caregiver who belittles the child, withholds love, and seems unconcerned about the child’s problems

Once I realized just how horribly SMU fans were being abused, I resolved to do SOMETHING to ease their pain. Unfortunately, CPS only helps minors, and most of the pathetic wretches that support the Ponies are probably older than 18. Most of them seem to be living 25 years in the past, at least. So even though their plight was technically abuse under CPS guidelines, I couldn't turn to CPS to help the Ponies.

Then I got an idea. An awful idea. TYSports had a wonderful, awful idea. And once it came to us, I felt like my heart grew three sizes that day. And then the true meaning of Fandom came through, and I swear I felt as though I had found the strength of ten Tinas plus two.

Don't be afraid, little PonyFans. TYSports is filled with Holiday Spirit, and we're going to help!

Maybe CPS can't forcibly remove SMU fans from Orsini's custody... But that doesn't mean that we at TYSports can't try to find online foster homes for the 3,562 registered posters (as of Christmas Eve) at PonyFans.com.

So I'm bringing this message of peace and goodwill to every college sports messageboard in the land. The PonyFans are in dire need of help. They're trapped in the most broken home in Division 1 college sports. The two likeliest candidates for new football stepdad each have a history of crime, philandering, and disrespect for law and order.

3,562 Mustangs fans are trapped in an endless hell. There is no hope or help on the horizon.

Can you look in your hearts, embrace the Holiday spirit of goodwill towards man, and give these pathetic bastards a new home?

Let bygones be bygones. Let's all kiss and make up, and resolve to make a better world for SMU fans than their coaches and administrators have.

If your team's messageboard can take in even one online foster pony, you've done a small part in making the world of college sports a better place.

Post a comment with a link to your forum and the number of PonyFans your messageboard pledges to take in. Whether it's 1, 10, or 100... Every single Mustang you help is one less Mustang suffering under Steve Orsini's reign of neglect and incompetence.

Your pledges can and will make a difference in the lives of the sorriest collection of fans in college athletics. Once the pledges are in, we'll announce where our online foster ponies will be going and give everyone that helps out a hearty show of appreciation.

This Christmas, don't give them a Pony (Hand)Out.... Give them a Pony (Hand) Up!

An early Christmas surprise from Skippy the Wonder GM

For anyone else who thought John Daniels might be too busy enjoying school vacation and writing letters to Santa to pay attention to Major League Baseball: We were wrong. Daniels traded Edinson Volquez to the Cincinnati Reds for centerfielder Josh Hamilton.

For a very thorough write-up of all the negatives of this deal, I encourage you to read this post on Go Rangers!, my only destination for Rangers analysis. In fact, I encourage you to read the site regularly, as Steve West (who doesn't even know that Tina exists) does a pretty kickass job of blogging. The Hamilton/Volquez post is a rare slip into ranting and away from well reasoned analysis and statistical evaluation.

Since Go Rangers! has already handled the cons, I'll add the one pro that I see. Hamilton is under contract for less than half a million through the 2009 season, Arbiration eligible through 2012, and not eligible for Free Agency until 2013. While they may potentially have made a horrible mistake in giving up Volquez, at least the Rangers may have found a long term solution in centerfield. I like the idea (not necessarily the price) of Hamilton a lot more than I ever liked the notions of signing Torii Hunter or Mike Cameron. Hamilton will be cheap until the Rangers could conceivably be able to contend in 2010.

Daniels is also on the verge of signing 37 year old reliever Eddie Guardado. Expect a lengthy rant if/when this happens.

In other Rangers centerfielding news, Doug Glanville wrote and article for ESPN.com reminding everyone that he used to play baseball, too. And never used any performance enhancers. If you love 9/11 references, fretting about kids on MySpace/YouTube, gratuitous mentions of Ivy League degrees, Viagra analogies, lots of "words and phrases" in "quotation marks", and false humility over mediocre stats, check it out.

And in other MLB performance enhancing drug scandal news, Roger Clemens is "almost numb" from the barrage of criticism directed at him. Clemens has finally agreed to a future interview with 60 Minutes.

I speculate that Clemens said ALMOST numb because he still feels a regularly timed sharp stabbing pain in his ass.

Andy Pettite was not available for comment.

----------

LATE ADDITION:
Reds fans seem to like this deal even less than I liked Daniels' decision to trade with John Schuerholz back in July.

My favorite quote:

My goodness, we get a maybe pitcher for a guy who crawled out of a crack house and OPS’d over 900. We just dealt a potential MVP for a guy who might be our 3rd best pitching prospect. Can it get any uglier than this? Isn’t being the Rangers best pitching prospect kind of like being the best cross country skier in Jamaica?

Tina approves of your comedy, furious Reds fan.

----------

SECOND LATE ADDITION:
Did anyone else realize that the pitching coach for Cincinnati is named Dick Pole? I had no idea. But this happy discovery clinches it. I resolve to do a new feature during baseball season: a monthly Dick Pole Development watch for Edinson Volquez. I'll check in on Volquez and mark his progress. But instead of using lines on the back of a door or against a wall, we'll track his Dick Pole development. TY, Nappy, Alex- remind me if I forget.

The unintentional comedy value for TYSports just made this the greatest Jon Daniels trade of all time. I love you, Skippy. And I appreciate you, Mr. Pole, for refusing to work under the name Richard.

----------

THIRD (AND FINAL) LATE ADDITION:
In this famous article for ESPN.com, Hamilton claims that he plays along with hecklers that mock his past, and goes on to say:

I live by a simple philosophy: Nobody can insult me as much as I've insulted myself.

As longtime readers and loyal DJA members already know, I happen to share that same philosophy.

How can anyone demand that someone else respect a person's life more than the person themselves did?

Edinson, you may turn out to be a great pitcher. But Josh Hamilton is now my new favorite baseball player. I've resisted the "___ is the balls" label, but Hamilton is undeniably the balls.

It's a posting extravaganza!

TY and I struggle to keep pace with the Tina Yothers posting assembly line. Not pictured: Nappy Headed Ho, who is still recovering from his Dolphins victory celebration hangover.

Sean Taylor will be a Pro Bowl starter at Safety for the NFC.

Roy Williams will be an alternate.

I alluded to this in my last post, but now it is official. Roy Williams is even less effective in coverage than a dead man.

In related news, Jon Daniels has decided to cut Vincente Padilla and attempt to lure Dave Dravecky out of retirement.

Obviously, that was a joke. Jon Daniels isn't even paying attention to the Rangers at this point.

----------

Despite the complete lack of respect from Western Kentucky student/University of Kentucky fan Kige Ramsey (Seriously, TY?!?!? That guy is in college? What's his major- Goat Fucking?), the North Texas Basketball juggernaut rolled on to yet another victory.

No need to overreact, Mean Green fans... The team seems capable of winning even without freshman point guard phenomenon Josh White.

A brief digression: Once he gets better, is it unacceptably inappropriate to wave a sign that says "White Power" at Mean Green home games? How about if I put Josh White's face on it? Share your thoughts in the comments, DJA. Digression over.

I wasn't able to make it, because I had to work. TY was busy debating evolution vs. intelligent design and planning his prissy summer party.

But UNTFlyer was there, and so was our old friend Texas Douche.

Rocking the douche hat is bad enough...

Strapping on the whole douche costume is even worse. Nice shorts you got there, Texas Douche. Enjoy the 40 degree weather, you tubby bastard.

Thanks, UNTFlyer. 2 out of 1800 for a first time douchehunter... That's a quality effort. For anyone who can make the Saturday game against Centenary, Tina is counting on you for game reports, Sexytime! photos and douche patrol. I'll be in Waco for the Highland Park game, and TY will probably be at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

Internet Sensation snubs Mean Green; Other Part of Internet Fakes Outrage

If you haven’t stayed glued to what’s hip and new in the blog world, you might have missed this fantastic Western Kentucky basketball preview from Kige Ramsey.

Last year, WKU disappointed their fans with a sub-standard season (on their terms) and a lack of a conference title. They lost twice to North Texas and seem to have lost a bit of their mystique the last few years in the Sun Belt. Kige, however, is having none of it in his analysis:

“All around good team – they can play defense, they can play offense, they can beat you pretty much every way.”

This is cute and good, which leads Kige to predict “Western Kentucky will win the Sun Belt.”

Kige is a student at Western but spends most of his time singing the praises of Kentucky – like most people in the state. We didn’t hear a peep out of him around Thanksgiving – he was busy watching Kentucky lose to Tennessee and do their part in setting up a very shitty BCS title game – but it looks like he has now decided to retaliate to the Mean Green Nation over the football loss.

Kige lists WKU’s key games this year as follows:

1. Tennessee
2. Gonzaga
3. ULLAF
4. South Alabama

No love for the defending conference champs? After all we’ve been through together? Kige, we tried to make you care about breast cancer? We sung your praises for months! We voted for you to be the Deadspin SHOTY! This is what we get in return?

You’re dead to us Kige. Deader than our dead mother. Now we will watch your video and watch as you labor to read and recall the media guide. So good luck to you and the “best player nobody’s ever heard about … in the nation.” You’re no longer “an all-American in my book.”

Billy Clyde vs. Acie vs. Kige

Tonight, Billy Clyde Gillispie will make a magical trip about an hour south of College Station to play the Houston Cougars. One team is 9-1; the other is 4-4. Yup – Billy Clyde has been unable to shape his early season misery, losing three straight to UNC, Indiana and UAB. Those are great losses if you are UNT, but no so much for the premiere program in the country.

“I believe they’ll get better, but right now they are horrible!” – Kige Ramsey, Legitimate YouTube Sports Reporter

With Kige’s boys in such disarray, we are keeping a close eye out for rumblings of Fire Billy Gillispie web sites! And by close eye, I mean 3 or 4 Google searches with variations on his name. Here’s the half-ass one now:

http://www.firebilly.com/

This can only get better!

Don’t worry though; BCG is still excited after barely losing against UAB:

“I’m really excited about the improvement that we are showing. We are about to go play a really good team on the road. We have to understand how important it is to get stops, especially at the most important times. I think we are making steps in that area to improve.”

Meanwhile, Tom Penders is playing this like a master:

His team may be 9-1 and seeking its ninth straight victory, but Penders said he reminded his players of the difference between Houston good and Kentucky sub par.

"I asked them, 'How many guys were recruited by Coach (Billy) Gillispie at Texas A&M," he said. "Nobody raised their hand. 'How many guys were recruited by Kentucky?' Nobody raised their hands.

"So I said, 'I guess you guys understand what we're up against.' "

To be honest, it is not the results that reflect poorly on BGC, it’s more the fact that he ran off a top recruit after six games and looked like they didn’t belong against Indiana and UNC (don’t let the single digit final score fool you), two programs Kentucky is supposed to be able to at least compete with. Since this is not BCS football, his team still has plenty of time to gel – and with the SEC full of question marks, he could very easily be fine. But, for now, this is perfect fodder for our theory that AC Law IV was the balls.

AC Law’s new team sits at 12-12, fresh off a win over Utah. In the early season, they have beaten Dallas, Phoenix, Orlando and now the Jazz. Mr. Law’s 4.6 ppg, 2.9 apg and injury problems have clearly been the glue for Atlanta’s mediocre (but good for them!) start. So hooray, everybody is .500!

So, yeah there is really not much to this – yet – but this will be something easy, er fun, to track for the rest of the season. It beats watching the Mavs slowly slip out of coast mode as they rise back to the top 3 in the West. Kind of.

Cuban dooms Dolphins to 0-14 infmay

The Miami Dolphins lone win was stricken from the record today when a DNA test confirmed that 6th string wide receiver Greg Camarillo is actually former Cuban refugee Elian Gonzalez. Gonzalez was immediately returned to a grateful father in Cuba who told reporters that he'd "missed Elian deeply."

"This is truly puzzling to me," confessed Dolphin's head Coach Cam Cameron. "He told me his name was Wes Welker; I thought we'd pulled a fast one on ol Belichick."

Gonzalez' teammates however were suspicious of him from day one. "He kept telling us about the time he was on the cover of TIME magazine when he was a boy" said a disappointed Jason Taylor "He also broke into tears whenever anyone mentioned Janet Reno."

Gonzalez had in fact traveled back to America very shortly after his first deportation. Detectives believe that he had attempted to float the Gulf of Mexico on an old tire tube until he was picked up by Dolphins owner H. Wayne Huzenga who was out doing some deep sea fishing.

"It's true," Huizenga later noted. "The funny thing is, I was planning on using him as a sex slave. I often wonder where he and I might be now if I had gone with my initial plan."

Aboard the yacht Wayne noticed young Gonzalez's natural athletic abilities as well as his love for the game of football.

"As soon as he got back, I knew exactly what to do with the boy" Huizenga said. "I put him right to work as a bus boy in the luxury suites at Joe Robbie stadium. Best decision I ever made, I didn’t even have to feed the little bastard with all them peanut shells everywhere.

Huizenga occasionally became teary eyed when sharing his experiences with the youth "I called him Camarillo after this prostitute I used to bang"

Dolphins General Manager Randy Muller became friends with Camarillo during the many hours he spent in the press box not watching the game. "He always brought me warm hot dogs." Muller said "He was the only kid in the whole park that could do that with any kind of consistency. I always wanted to repay him for the favor."

Mueller waited and waited for that chance to repay his friend until finally the day came. "I thought about it for a bit, and then I devised a genius plan to get my boy on the field." Mueller stated with a twinkle in his eye. "I traded former pro bowl receiver Chris Chambers to San Diego for essentially nothing. We needed another receiver and pretty much nobody wanted to play for us. I knew immediately that Greg was the man."

Yes and "Greg" was that man. On Sunday against the Baltimore Ravens in overtime, he recoded a 61 yard touchdown that gave the Dolphins their first win of the season. That is until Federal prosecutors realized who Greg actually was.

"This isn't just a victory for the Ravens," declared Ravens Linebacker Ray Lewis "This is a victory for America. Law abiding citizens such as myself, who've never hurt a fly or stabbed a guy in the chest, can sleep at night knowing that a terrorist like Alien Gonzalez is now behind bars or dead or something…. Heh Heh! Alien, get it?"

The Dolphins are disappointed but are encouraged that there are still two games left on their schedule. A proud and confident Joey Porter summed it up best. "Am I worried? No. Am I rich? Hell yeah! I guarantee victory next week against New England.

Tina bears witness to the Cowboy Catastrophe

Though we're all struggling with the premature death of TY the Cowboy Homer (you were truly too beautiful for this world, Cowboy Homer)... Let's try to carry on the way he would have wanted us to. Overreacting to one loss and hyper-analyzing any failures the Cowboys may have had.

Luckily for you, loyal readers, Team Tina and several key members of the Dick Joke Armey were there to see the horrors.

NOTE: Photos are all courtesy of FilmerJ. Tina loves you, FilmerJ.

North Texas Douche makes his presence known...

As does the exceedingly rare Troy Polamalu Throwback Douche.

Also making an appearance... Two giant douchebagss who made popcorn costumes. Complete with actual popcorn wigs. I was hoping to see them mauled by a flock of pigeons, but no such luck.

As everyone already knows, it was not going to be a good day for the Dallas Cowboys. Roy Williams set the tone about halfway through the first quarter with a horse collar tackle penalty. Not to make Roy paranoid and possibly distract him from his Cockwatch-watch, but our unscientific research indicates that he may be losing one of his biggest segments of his fan base. On the walk from Blue Parking to the check-in gate, five of us playing "Spot the Hispanic Roy Williams" were only able to find 6 Hispanic Roys. That's WAY down from previous levels reportedy by Alex P. Keaton, and it appears that Hispanic Roy is steadily disappearing. Meanwhile, Hispanic T.O. and Hispanic Tony Romo (appropriately) are reproducing at astronomical rates.

Hopefully, Hispanic T.O. and Hispanic Tony Romo are doing their reproducing asexually. Or at least not together.

Back to the game... The two big storylines heading into the game for Philly were Andy Reid's personal turmoil and Donovan McNabb's future with the Eagles.

Andy Reid says he's not resigning, and LZ Granderson supports his decision. As for me, I respect any man who can put aside his personal distractions and just go to work. Whatever problems Reid may face, the man still needs to earn a paycheck and put crack on the table for his children. I respect his resilience and dedication.

But as for Donovan McNabb, his future as a Philadelphia Eagle doesn't look good. It has to be a bad sign when your own fans seem to prefer another black QB who retired half a decade ago and who also hasn't worn a Philly jersey in 11 years.

Cunningham #1

Cunningham #2 (proud to be at the elbow of a FUPA-sporting McNabb wannabe)

Our unscientific survey concluded that Randall Cunninghams outnumbered Donovan McNabbs by a ratio of almost 2-1, both in this photo and in the stadium.

McNabb wound up 23 of 41 passing for 208 yards and 1 TD against no INTs. He also ran 9 times for 53 yards.

In addition to the basic statline, the official report from a man who watches such things very closely (thanks, gruu!) says that McNabb suffered 4 sacks, 13 hits, 20 hurries, 1 tipped ball, and 3 dropped balls (2 by Curtis, 1 by Brown)

Considering the pressure he was under, I think McNabb did a pretty respectable job. Compared to Tony Romo, McNabb looked like Johnny Unitas (with a very dark tan).

Jessica Simpson wasn't the only distracting little dish sporting a Romo jersey... Why doesn't anyone blame these groupies for distracting Tony and ruining his performance?

Romo sure as hell didn't look like Johnny U. Romo looked like the Texas Stadium version of Brett Favre. And just in case anyone thinks this can be explained away by defensive pressure, gruu informs me that Romo had a much easier day than McNabb. Romo only suffered 3 sacks, 7 hits, 15 hurries, 3 tipped balls, and 2 dropped balls (1 each by Owens and Fasano).

Feel free to insert your own jokes about Romo and two dropped balls. I'll wait for you.

Okay, let's continue. Despite an atrocious offensive performance, the Cowboys defense managed to keep the game within reach. And then, with 2:38 left in the game and Philly facing a 3rd and 9 on their own side of the field, Roy Williams came up and delivered a monster hit... on the Cowboys' hopes of winning the game. Roy blew his coverage on Eagles tight end Brent Celek. Celek caught and ran for 29 yards, finally being brought down by Keith Davis. Great work, Roy! You're only slightly more of a liability in coverage than Sean Taylor. At least Sean Taylor can manage to stay within 6 feet of a receiver, under the right circumstances.

And the Eagles rejoiced by kneeling on the one yard line.

TY the Cowboy Homer is dead, and if the Cowboys don't right the ship quickly, Dallas' Super Bowl dreams will be dead, too. Just ask the 1967 Cowboys- Lambeau is not very hospitable to visitors dreaming of a Super Bowl berth.

Can Jerry Jones shift his focus away from keeping hispanics down and get his team back on the right track? Or will he be too busy trying to catch a glimpse of Wade Phillips getting out of the shower?

Only time will tell.

Tragedy in God's Toilet

"I have a message: TY the Cowboy Homer's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors."

That's right - the tiresome TY the Cowboy Homer bit is dead. It was created when the team was a cute blip on the league radar, but now there is no shortage of Cowboys fans acting like idiots to support, 13-1 - oops 12-2 - team. If you need your fill of Cowboy homerism, might I suggest a local paper or internet talk show

And, the one serious question Alex and I had today:

"If Romo has a nagging injury, and the division is clinched, and receivers are running open that can't be hit, why do you have a backup QB?"

The proof is in the pudding.

My final quote to commemorate this horrendous bit comes courtesy of the Simpson's:

"I was trying to do a Don Rickles about Arabs, but it turned into a Mel Gibson about Mexicans." - Krusty the Clown

Kitty is free!

Well, it looks like resident newsmaker and sex, er, fan base offender Ioannis has been justified once again.

"It's a shame that baseless rumors like this even get started?" MeanGreen61

"This isn't fair to Coach LaCroix." - OldTimer

"My tampon keeps riding up and the cord makes my labia itch." - MeanMerkin67

This blogger culture thing is hard for people sometimes. It is even more mucked up when you think your site is just a harmless cock-themed repository for your own gibberish and then you realize people are actually reading it. I spent most of the weekend repeatedly asking family and friends why the hell people even read this thing?

This site is not a rumor site. The whole gang runs across a few things that we don't share out of our own discretion and only go with what is intriguing and in no-way harmful (like this) or something like this that the poster feels fairly strong about. This has happened a very small handful of times - particularly with the Mean Green. If I wanted to appear like a junior beat reporter, I could have regaled the internet with tales of Todd Dodge's courtship, other coaching search news and whatever.

In this case, Ioannis was fairly certain, but still not certain enough to not use the "False (?) Allegations" headline and tag. You know, the same one that has brought you breaking news like Nolan Ryan's use of an Indian Scalp Merkin.

So yes, we'll gloat over this whole thing, but don't worry - we still know our place in the world and will continue to only slander the good names of rapists and longhorn supporters.

PS: Once I have a repaired computer, you will see the original post again. A hearty "f off!" to the folks at AT&T who shut it all down two weeks before my move. You guys are awesome!

If you can't trust the internet, who can you trust?

“No one can lie, no one can hide anything, when he looks directly into some one's eyes.” - Paul Coelho

"Every time someone betrays me, I write their name on a list. Then I hire a crackhead to kill them at a later date," - Nancy Reagan

Since the fateful April weekend I got hyped on Brett Favre medicines and decided it would be fun to start a blog, I had only one mission: to become a legitimate media source. I have no media contacts or sources of note, but I figured if I was really diligent, it would all just sort of fall in place without any journalistic work. I'd milk my weak Rolodex of connections to Southlake and a few other people into a powerhouse news base that would allow me to just Peter King the world to death.

I could just start every post with , "I talked with Coach Dodge over scones and latte yesterday and..." It would have been amazing. But, much like my dreams of a three-way with Burt Reynolds and Lonnie Anderson, the dream is dead. To cope with my broken dream, I have decided to turn on the guy who does most of the heavy lifting on the website and has actual media contacts and sources because he got bitch-slapped by the rumor police yesterday. That's right, Ioannis, you have let the community down and should be shamed.

I am not on the correct computer to pull the original post, but suffice it to say that the picture of Federline's ho below used to paint a tail of scandal and resignation that ultimately had to be refuted by a legitimate news resource. I had no idea we were a resource for anything but pissing people off (we're awaiting a letter from Jackie Robinson's family as we speak), but I guess with great power comes great responsibility.

So Ioannis, if you want to regain your standing, here is your outlined penance:

1. Watch this shitty remixed Soulja Boy/Crank Dat video honoring your buddy Tony Romo five times. Reflect on what the Cowboys finishing 14-2 will mean for you as a human being.

2. Deal with outrage from indignant Mean Green fans who are certain there is no truth to what you heard and let them decry the problem with posting rumors and facts, even if they have a history of squashing things that ultimately turn out to be true. If a source shot it down while no one was available, you are obviously a piece of rancid human garbage.

3. Secure a sit-down interview with the beat-writer you wronged. Like that'll happen.

You have a very short amount of time to make this happen. Don't fail me again. The credibility of the Sports Rapist Hall of Fame, The DJA and the False (?) Allegations column are all on your shoulders.

False(?) Allegations against future former North Texas coaches

NOTHING TO SEE HERE - PLEASE KEEP MOVING.

WE LOVE YOU ALL.



(RV is SO sexy when he gets angry!)

Son of a Mitch...ell Report

I know that I don't start a lot of posts here on TYSports, but if there's anything that can inspire me to post, it's got to be the "Report to the Commissioner of Baseball of an Independent Investigation into the Illegal Use of Steroids and Other Performance Enhancing Substances by Players in Major League Baseball", or what you might know as the Mitchell Report. I know that TY already started a post or two on this subject, but I refuse to be relegated to mere a comment when it comes to such an important story. I'm sure there will be many posts to follow on this subject.

Let me first get this out of the way so we can meet our daily quota...SMU sucks, UNT sucks, Navy rapists suck, people who post misrepresentational information about Navy rapists suck, and all the rest of you who feel like you don't get enough respect, well ya'll suck, too. Also, Tim McMahon sucks.

For the last twenty months, we have waited to find out what we already knew...that steroids is a major problem in baseball. For those who think this is rediculous, remember that we live in a society that waited in breathless anticipation for the prequel to Star Wars so we could see Luke Skywalker become Darth Vader, despite being told what would happen in Empire Strikes Back.

Yes, college students cheat on tests, your parents did engage in sexual intercourse (and probably enjoyed it), and steroids are a problem in baseball. In fact, the main result of this report is that it will screw up Hall of Fame voting for the next several decades. Sure, I love that Roger Clemens was implicated, but it changes nothing. Does anybody in Houston want to give back that Warren Giles trophy? Does anybody outside of Houston even remember that the Astros made it to the World Series a couple of years ago?

So, what does this report and the whole steroids scandal mean for me personally? It's hard to say. It's not really going to make me like baseball less, but it has changed something. Finding out the truth about Santa Claus didn't make me like Christmas less, but it did take away some of the magic.

Actually, I now look at baseball like McDonald's hamburgers...I can still enjoy them, even though I know there's something suspect about them. They don't claim to be gourmet burgers, but they do have a tasty quality. At the same time, I can acknowledge that there's something wrong with them.

Compare that to the NFL where steroids clearly aren't a problem. According to one insider, the typical NFL lockerroom after a game looks like a vienna sausage convention. In other words, the NFL is like the Olive Garden...sure, the decor and wine trick you into thinking it's fine Italian dining, even though it's only a couple of steps up the scale from Chef Boyardee.

The Mitchell Report is the equivalent of the MLB admitting that it has a problem. It now has two choices: change permanently for the better, or backslide into a world of lies and deceit. Baseball will always be my first love, but I don't know how much longer I can continue to be part of an abusive relationship.

Hopefully, the Mitchell Report sounds the final notes of a sports year which has brought me great disappointment. Whether it was the Mavs defeat at the hands of the "might" Warriors, the revelation that Ron Mexico tortures helpless animals, the continued medocrity of Dennis Frenchfryonie, the NBA payola scandal, or the Desperados' playoff loss to the Destroyers, 2007 has brought more sports-related sorrow than I was prepared for.

To show sports that I mean business, I am making an official threat. If 2008 is not a better sports year for me, then 2009 will be 100% sports-free. I will not watch the Superbowl, the NBA Finals, or the World Series. I will not watch any college football. I will not play any sports-related video games. I will not read any sports-related news. I will not play pick-up softball or H-O-R-S-E. I will not go bowling, play ping pong, or foosball (Pool will be acceptable because it is a game unrelated to sports in any way). I will not even use sports-related terminology in non sports-related situations. I will not listen to sports talk on the radio.

C'mon sports! I'm rooting for you, but I am serious. If you let me down in 2008, we are through.

Stay tuned to TYSports in 2008. See if sports can be redeemed.