The NCAA Tournament “White Guy Praise” Drinking Game

Each year, NCAA Tournament announcers go out of their way to try and justify their love for white guys who are almost always totally overmatched. Call it the White Guy Praise Curve- It’s the NCAA equivalent of a “Participant” ribbon, a Special Olympics finish line hug, or a macaroni painting hung on the refrigerator.

And now, it’s a TY Sports Drinking Game.

Many of these Great White Hopes are destined to be Koncak League superstars. Others aren’t even talented enough to earn an NBA contract and generate a 1.3 ppg career stat line.

But they’ve got what it takes to win the hearts of the NCAA Tournament broadcast team: white skin. For 40 minutes, the viewing audience gets to hear a play-by-play guy and his washed up ex-coach broadcast partner lavish every white guy with a pulse (and some without) with heaps of praise. They may not be able to dunk, they may not be able to jump, they may not be able to run… But they remind our 60+ year old announcers of the good old days when black people (and their scary tattoos) weren’t allowed to play. Let their subtle or blatant racism be a gateway to consuming mass quantities of the age-appropriate beverages of your choice.

(Credit to all of Team Tina and TY Sports special contributors AC Ballplayer and TYMat B)


The NCAA Tournament "White Guy Praise" Drinking Game

Take one sip whenever any of the following 8 things happens:

1) A white guy is described as “Scrappy” or complimented for his “Toughness”

Examples:

• He’s the toughest guy on the court
• He always steps up to take the charge
• He's a scrappy defender
• He never backs down from anybody
• He's not afraid to put his body on the line

2) A white guy is praised for his “Intensity” or “Hustle”

• He always hustles for loose balls
• He plays with great intensity
• He gives it everything he’s got every second he’s on the floor
• He leaves everything on the court
• He plays every second like it’s his last
• He never coasts
• He hustles harder than everyone else

3) A white guy is somehow classified as an exceptionally “Hard Worker”

• He squeezes everything out of his potential
• He’s the last guy out of the gym
• He’s the hardest worker in practice

4) A white guy gets credit for “Leadership” or something related to “Coaching”

• He’s a team leader
• He always puts his team in a position to win
• He leads by example/The younger players follow his lead
• He’s like another coach on the floor
• The coach loves having him on the team

5) Announcers praise a white guy for something that can be improved by sheer repetition and/or isn’t dependent on raw athleticism

• He can flat out shoot
• He's an excellent outside shooter
• He's an excellent free throw shooter
• He moves exceptionally well without the ball
• He really fills the lane
  

6) A white guy gets praised as being a “Throwback” or for immeasurable “Intangibles”
(Think along the lines of the anti-Moneyball philosophy)

• He's the heart and soul of the team
• He's a meat and potatoes player
• He really plays with guts
• He plays the game the way it ought to be played
• He’s always in the right place at the right time
• He always seems to be in position to make clutch plays
• He's got more heart than anyone else out there
  

7) A white guy is credited with exceptional “Intelligence”

• He’s got a high Basketball IQ
• He’s very cerebral
• He’s a very mental player
• He understands the X’s and O’s

8) A white guy is identified as a particularly “Great Teammate”

• He’s the Glue Guy
• He's not afraid to get in there and do the dirty work
• He sacrifices it all for the good of the team

The Two Drink Multiplier:
Take two sips any time an announcer subconsciously admits his overpraise by prefacing any of the previous comments/categories with an apology along the lines of:

• He’s not the most Athletic, but…
• He may not have the most talent, but…

Bonus categories:

When anything positive is said about a white guy with a horrible haircut, scraggly moustache, and/or a receding hairline, take one sip.

Every time you see a shot of white guys hugging, bumping chests, or high-fiving each other, take two sips.

When the director puts up a shot of the bench (waving towels, crossing their fingers, holding hands, linking arms, etc.) and the white guy walk-on at the end of the bench is visible on-screen, chug continuously until the broadcast crew cuts away.

When a white guy dunks, chug the rest of your drink.

When a white guy shorter than 6’6” dunks, chug the rest of your drink, then open a new one and chug it too.

If anyone on the broadcast team makes a comparison or direct reference to Christian Laettner, chug the rest of your drink while fantasizing about getting lost in Laettner's deep blue eyes.


Negative categories:

When a white guy gets dunked on, pour the equivalent of one sip on the floor.

When a white guard gets embarrassed on a drive or falls down while trying to guard someone, pour the equivalent of two sips on the floor.

When a white guy shows up in a replay with a totally confused, embarrassed, or mentally handicapped look on his face, go to the nearest sink and pour the rest of your drink down the drain.

And finally... At some point, the Great White Hope’s intangibles and leadership may not be able to overcome his athletic inferiority. You’ll know this time has come when the announcing team starts to abandon their favored son(s) by saying:

• He just doesn’t have the athleticism to match up
• They’re getting out-athleted on the court
• He’s playing with a ton of heart, but the talent advantage is with the other team.

When this sad but inevitable moment arrives, buy a drink for the nearest black guy in the bar.

If you’re watching from home, go to the kitchen and grab a drink for every black friend you’re watching the game with.

If you don’t have any black friends with you, take a case of beer to your nearest black neighbor after the game is over.

If you aren’t at a bar, you don’t have any black friends, and you don’t have any black people living within walking distance of your house… Just resolve to stop burning crosses in anyone’s yard for at least 3 months.

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And there you have the TY Sports NCAA Tournament "White Guy Praise" Drinking Game. Follow those guidelines and you'll be drunk by halftime of the first game. Enjoy, and don't drink and drive!

WARNING: If Tyler Hansbrough is in the game, be sure to designate someone in your watching party as the designated “Call an ambulance for Alcohol Poisoning” hero. Your life depends upon it.