Another week, another 30+ point loss

Oh, the horrific monsters that lurked within this dark cave...

Once again, North Texas lost to one of the worst 5 or 10 teams in Division 1 football. A team that was on a 1-25 run if you exclude their two consecutive wins over Todd Dodge.

Florida International scored 42 points against the Mean Green. That's even worse than last year, when they scored 38. To find the last time FIU scored at least 38 points in a game, you have to go back to November of 2005. Last season, FIU didn't score their 42nd point of the year until game six of the season. 42 points is 37% of their total scoring output in 2006.

This was not a powerhouse program that just kicked our ass. This was a team under a 2nd year head coach who came in to take over after an 0-12 season highlighted by a televised brawl that resulted in 31 total player suspensions.

A depressing sentence to help put this loss in perspective:

If it weren't for a touchdown that North Texas scored against FIU's 2nd unit defense with just 63 seconds left to play, the Panthers would have beaten the Mean Green worse than defending national champions LSU did three weeks ago.

Dodge and company failed another NCAA test. It was a very bad week.

Luckily, we got it all on tape! Thanks, chunky TV camera guy!

Any excuse anyone can even try to make to justify the current rebuilding project at North Texas applies even more to FIU. Their NEW stadium is built out of Lincoln Logs and tinfoil. Their coach, Mario Cristobal, inherited a running back who became infamous for trying to assault an opponent on the field with his crutches. And that running back averaged nearly 5 yards per carry and scored a touchdown against North Texas last night.

Cristobal never even won a single Texas High School Football State Championship! Not even in Class 1-A! Not even in SIX MAN FOOTBALL!!! But despite the fact that Cristobal wasted his life coaching at a Big East school when he could have been terrorizing District 6-5A, Todd Dodge can't seem to stay within 3 scores of him on the field.

Even George Dunham looks disgusted by what he's seeing.

We had a few guests with us at the game, including a 24 year old guy named Nick who had never been to a college football game before. According to him, watching this game was "about as much fun as watching someone kick my dog to death."

I share the sentiment, though I doubt we'll be seeing the slogan on any billboards or flyers.

But while there wasn't much to enjoy about what we saw on the field, Nick did manage to amuse himself by playing a little game we like to call Douchespotting. My girlfriend taught him the rules during tailgating, and he loved it. While I was trying to blink back tears, mentally travel to my happy place, and/or process the carnage in front of me, Nick was on Douche patrol.

First up: Texas Douche and Keyshawn Johnson cook up some parking lot deliciousness.

NBA Champion Boston Celtics Douche was also on hand.

Because of his green shirt (and the fact that I had my hands over my eyes for most of the game), I didn't even notice Celtics guy. Thanks go to Nick for his keen eye.

But even though I was too depressed to photograph any more inappropriately clad attendees, I did spot a few other special guests.

Don't ask the Pizza Inn Nazi what he's got in the oven...

...and beware of the Sith Lord, Darth Usher. It's not the size of your lightsaber that matters; it's what you do with it.

Among the highlights of the game for me was when North Texas kicked a meaningless field goal while down 35-0. We've made jokes about the Fireworks of Shame before... But shooting off fireworks to celebrate an embarrassing field goal of surrender with 5 minutes left in the 3rd quarter is maybe the most shameful (fireworks) display in North Texas history.

On the plus side, my rare seat on the Alumni side allowed me to see the source of the Fireworks of Shame (post-game version) up close.

Shame on Earth...

...and Shame in Flight.

Post-game, FIU's equipment people load their belongings into a truck. Somewhere in those cases is Todd Dodge's ass, because Mario Cristobal officially owns it.

As TY already revealed in the preceding post, Saturday was more than just the latest round of degradation for North Texas athletics... It was also a super sexy birthday for our Athletics Director, Rick Villarreal. TY posted a photo of a cake with poop frosting to commemorate Todd Dodge crapping all over the place on RV's special day.

We'd love to post a Sexytime! photo to try and salvage the occasion, but it's only Sexytime! when we win. And Basketball season doesn't start for a month and a half.

But we understand how hard things must be for RV. We saw him standing a lonely, profane vigil in the corner of the end zone. Guarding us against any attempted invasion by Texas State University Athletics. We know what he has on his calendar for 8:30 next Monday morning, and it's not pleasant. And we can only imagine how badly it must hurt to see his hand-picked Football coach flailing around ineptly, jeopardizing both of their careers.

It's hard times. So to cheer him up, TY and I decided we'd each get Rick V a special present.

First, we cut a hole in the box...

Happy Birthday from TY, myself, and the entire Dick Joke Armey. We hope our gifts can help you forget that every time it looks like North Texas Football has fallen as far as it possibly can, Todd Dodge manages to find a shovel and dig a little deeper.