False(?) Allegations: The Jay Cutler files

***TWO UPDATES FOLLOW***

Original by TY, published 8:00 p.m.

In a stunning morning announcement, Jay Cutler has asked to be released from his commitment with the Denver Broncos for two reasons given in an impromptu press conference this morning.

“First and foremost, I’m better than Elway – we’ve established that. I feel like I have nothing left to prove. I have the stronger arm and I never even forced the team to trade me, so I feel pretty good about my legacy.

“Second, I have diabetes. Now I know people always snicker and think of that Wilfred Brimley (sp) bullshit, but I’d rather just go manage it and not deal with this stuff anymore. I want to end on a high note – and I feel like gutting it out on Monday Night Football against the defending champs gave me that chance. Wait, they didn’t win last year. What the hell? At least Brady looked good.”

Patrick “yes, I’m still in the NFL” Ramsey said he was sad to see Cutler go, but was excited to have another opportunity with the team.

“Listen guys,” he told teammates. “Ed Hochuli isn’t coming back through that door. We’ve got to win this shit ourselves.”

Mike Shanahan said he was happy to grant the release and wishes Cutler the best in his future endeavors.

“Since my skin is 90% leather, I can’t imagine what the kid goes through. “Trying to puncture this cowhide with a needle would be about as easy as winning a Super Bowl without Terrell Davis.”

More on this story as it develops.

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First update by Ioannis, published 11:00 p.m.

Just days after Jay Cutler boasted about his superior arm strength compared to legendary NFL quarterbacks John Elway and Brett Favre, and mere hours after Cutler announced he was leaving football due to complications from diabetes, Elway and Favre held a joint press conference to address Cutler's comments and retirement.

Surrounded by their 4 combined NFL MVP awards, 3 Super Bowl trophies, Elway's NFL Hall of Fame bust and retired jersey, and their combined 18 Pro Bowl selection plaques, both men praised Cutler for his powerful arm and the legacy he leaves behind in the NFL.

Seated in front of a banner listing their 12 All-Pro selections, their current rankings of 1st and 2nd in all time victories by NFL quarterbacks, 1st and 3rd in career passing yards, attempts, and completions, and Favre's 258 (and counting) consecutive starts streak, the quarterbacks had this to say:

Elway: "I think there's no doubt that Jay Cutler has a fantastic arm. He may have the strongest arm I've ever seen... Even better than Bubby Brister or Brian Griese when they were holding my jock and walking the sidelines at Mile High. I can only wonder how many yards I might have thrown for if I were blessed with an arm like Jay Cutler's. I suppose I'll have to settle for the mere 51,475 I managed to scrape together with my own cursed noodle arm."

Favre: "I'd like to echo John's praise of Cutler's arm. When I think back to my early days, my first game as an NFL starter back when Jay Cutler was 9 years old and still wetting his bed, I think I might have been somewhere close to matching Cutler's arm cannon. Playing every single game for 16 straight years tends to grind on your body, though, and I've probably lost a little zip. If I'd taken a week off here and there, I might have been able to match young Jay's physical abilities. For now, I'll have to take solace in one of the physical attributes where I know I've got Mr. Cutler beat: My pancreas' ability to produce insulin via healthy beta cells so that my body can break down blood glucose. Suck on that, Cutler. And make sure you give yourself a shot after you're done sucking on it."

Elway later went on to praise Cutler's superior intellect, saying- "Cutler went to Vanderbilt, right? I think that's adorable. My cousin got dropped on his head a few times as a baby, and he graduated from Vanderbilt with a 3.8 GPA. Meanwhile, in case anyone forgot, I graduated from STANFORD. That's one of the top academic institutions in the whole world, Cutler. I suppose Vanderbilt is a pretty decent school, too... If you're really into choo choo trains or you absolutely had to pick a college in Tennessee."

Both quarterbacks went on to repeat their praise for Cutler's incredible arm strength, lamenting the fact that it never allowed him to manage a winning record as a starter in any of his NFL seasons.

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Second update by Ioannis, published at noon.

In a shocking turn of events, less than 24 hours after Jay Cutler was granted his release from the Denver Broncos due to complications from diabetes, TY Sports has confirmed that Cutler has decided to walk on at SMU.

Cutler is expected to sit out his transfer year, then compete for a full scholarship and the Mustangs starting quarterback job.

When reached for comment, Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan had this to say:

"I am not surprised that Jay is walking on at SMU. I wished him all the luck in the world when he left. I don't know what his situation is and haven't talked to him. I told him that only time will tell if he can play again. Maybe his blood sugar problem has corrected itself. We go back a long way. I wish him luck and hope that his blood sugar level has improved. We decided to give him a full release so that if he got to the point where he can play again, he could. I hope that he plays again. I think he will contribute wherever he is."

Shanahan continued to say: "And seriously, what is up with my fake tan, leathery skin? My face looks like a bomber jacket with lips and eyes. Can anyone recommend a doctor who can make me look human again?"

Cutler will now play under the tutelage of quarterbacks guru and SMU head coach June Jones. College football experts anticipate Cutler will legally change his name to 'Jay Levi Cutler' and begin an intensive training program dedicated to throwing inopportune interceptions and occasionally defeating Division 1-AA teams.