This Week’s Rival Professor Spotlight: Troy Trojan Edition

The first two installments of rival professor smack talk (see here and here) have been so exciting and popular that we had a number of Troy professors contact us for their chance to send an open letter to the UNT fan base. Ultimately the winner of this week’s contest was Dr. Michael Hicks, famous for his expressive voice, amazing stage presence, and humbly described “four-inch cock that can still totally hit all the right places.” Take it away, Dr. Hicks!

Hi there, North Texas.

I'm sure I'm the last guy you probably want to see, but I stopped by because I think we need to talk.

It's about S-Beezie. Oh, sorry... That's my little nickname for the Sun Belt.

I know you and S-Beezie had a couple of good years back when you were young, and I know that must have been very special for you. I don't want to take those memories away. Those days were precious, and I know they were important to S-Beezie, too.

But she's moved on, and I think you need to accept that. S-Beezie and I are trying to build our life together, and even though it must hurt you to see it, there's nothing you can really do about it.

I'm sure it's tough... Seeing us in the papers, knowing that our love is respected and celebrated like yours never was. God, you must be seething with jealousy. And knowing about our crazy trips to New Orleans? Me and S-Beezie, throwing a crazy fourgy with the neighbors, S-Beezie screaming my name so loud that the building shakes...

It must be like knives in your heart. Especially having to see it all happen, and remembering how you couldn't quite, well... 'Perform' like that- the way she wanted back when the two of you were together.

But you need to stop. It's time for you to move on, because she's with me now and she's not coming back to you. Stop with the online messages. Stop with the letters. Stop following us around, stop all of it. Move on. Accept that S-Beezie and I are perfect for each other like you two never were.

I'm sure there's another conference out there for you. A special one like S-Beezie doesn't come along often, but at least you have the time you spent together. Once you put yourself out there, I'm sure you'll find someone perfect for you. Maybe the SWAC? I hear the Atlantic Sun is looking around, and I think she's got a sister, too.

It can't be easy to hear this, especially not from me. But someone needed to tell you. I hope you can find peace and someday move on. It's been 4 years... Don't waste your whole life moping over someone who you'll never get back.

I'll just be going now. I hope you'll think about what I said.

Oh, and prepare to get cockwhipped by 5 or 6 touchdowns this weekend. S-Beezie will be watching, and I want you to get humiliated. Bitch.

Somewhere, Donald Sutherland and Tim Robbins are smiling…