Travels with Tina: Monroe, Louisiana

As the highway and campus signs would say:
Behold the University of Louisiana Monroe!

Full disclosure: I don't much care for the state of Louisiana. Yes, I've been to New Orleans, which everyone raves about. Even that city, jewel of the state and Mecca for drunken morons nationwide, annoys and frustrates me. Plus, it has the atmosphere and ambiance of a chemical toilet.

Frankly, the entire state evokes the aesthetic appeal of a dysentery patient's unwiped ass.

So filter all my criticism and analysis through that admitted anti-Louisiana bias.

The sign says no swimming, wading, or fishing allowed, but you can enjoy the nice view.

Monroe is a weird mix of rural scenery and sub-urban dilapidation. According to a billboard featuring a black woman with tears in her eyes, the area hasn't yet fully recovered from Hurricane Katrina. Honestly, it looked to me like any damage from the storm was just some 4th quarter dog piling after what appears to be decades of economic decay.

Just getting around in Monroe was an adventure... My girlfriend and I had spent all of 45 seconds in Monroe before some idiot started driving the wrong way down a divided 4 lane state highway, straight at us. Later, we were walking down the street when someone tried to heckle us. Unfortunately for him, he was halfway down the street before realizing that his window was rolled up. Just before turning away, he managed to get the window down so he could tell us to “Go home!”

We did see one thing just down the street from ULM's campus that gave us hope for a North Texas victory:

Carroll High School! It's a sign! And not just a sign that gives directions, but an omen of good things to come!

I was so excited when I saw this sign... Sure, Todd Dodge may have gotten off to the worst start of any Sun Belt head coach since North Texas joined the conference. And with just one Division 1-A win in his first 19 games, he may be off to one of the worst starts to a college head coaching career in the past 100 years... But if there's one place Todd Dodge knows how to win, it's at Carroll High School!

After seeing that sign, I was positive that Todd Dodge would be able to harness his old Carroll High magic and lead us to victory over ULM again.

It turns out I was wrong... But more on the game later. For now, let's travel through campus and town.

Back in the day, that hawk would just be feathers in an Indian's headdress.

Monroe strikes me as a University still in the early stages of an attempt to modernize and rejuvenate their campus. There appears to be 3 distinct categories of buildings, and though the campus seems to be developing in a more modern style, there are still some signs (literally) that the money isn't quite there to get the job done quickly.


For instance, the signs for Music, Theater, and most of the buildings off the main exit road that led us to ULM are made from corrugated plastic, like political campaign signs or cheap street side signs for realtors.

Even the exceptionally new and pretty buildings are nice like a mid-price hotel is nice... Seeing them makes me wonder: If you have a class in one that’s over before 10:00 a.m., do you get a free continental breakfast with it?

Holiday Inn Hall? The Doubletree Student Center?

The middling ones look like Texas State Technical College or some other Vo-Tech school/Community College.

Remember, class- Brush after every meal! Soon, your camping city boy rape victims will be complimenting you on YOUR pretty mouth!

The bad ones… They look like re-purposed high school buildings.

Even Edward James Olmos couldn't stand and deliver at this place.

As you can see, I don’t mean nice, modern high school buildings… I mean run down 1940’s or 50’s era construction buildings where Morgan Freeman or Michelle Pfeiffer have to fight the system so they can teach inner city kids to believe in themselves. If you factor in the gate/fence surrounding them, you could make a strong case for criminal or mental institution, too.

The lovely lady and I took a lap around campus before meeting up with FilmerJ and my brother to grab some food before the game. Usually, we like to avoid chain restaurants and sample the local cuisine.

But we were pressed for time, and the only local restaurants we could find in the direction we were driving were either disgusting looking buffets, or...

Drive thru Daiquiri bars.

FilmerJ and JimmerJammer took that picture on their way into town... Apparently, I hadn't noticed the building because I was distracted by the previously mentioned idiot driving down the wrong side of the highway.

I didn't believe them when they told me such a place existed. But sure enough, just a block or two down from the one shown above... We saw another.

What the hell is up with this phenomenon?

Can anyone familiar with Louisiana please explain how the hell this is legal? Don't they have drunk driving or open container laws in Louisiana??

Ultimately, we skipped the Daiquiri stands and the unappetizing buffets, and just went to Raising Cane's so we wouldn't miss the game.

The road to Malone Stadium

Monroe has a fantastic tailgating scene. They have lots of gravel and grass parking that's tree shaded; the crowd is big and the atmosphere is fantastic. We found ourselves directed to park in what appeared to be someone's yard, then walked down a twisty, tree lined gravel road through the many tailgates and up to Malone Stadium.

The football home of the Warhawks.

Malone Stadium is half impressive, half horrifying. Above, you see the outside of the Alumni/Press Box side, which looks pretty good to me. But then, we went around to our seats on the Student/Visitors side...

Does not compute.

The Student side is high school stadium bleachers above free standing restrooms and concessions that belong at a little league baseball complex. I don't understand how ULM could build half of a great stadium (granted, I never saw the Alum side from the inside) and then totally punt on the other half.

The sight lines are fantastic, though, and fans are right on top of the field. So ULM has the ability to renovate their way to a great facility. Just get rid of the Student side, and for crying out loud, please fix that broken Jumbotron.

The Alumni side, photographed with 10:00 left in the 1st quarter.

This game was Homecoming for ULM, with an announced attendance of 10,388. I expected more people, especially since it was Homecoming and since ULM beat Alabama last season... But the crowd was rather small.

Since it was Homecoming, all the fraternities and sororities were there, and we were a little surprised to see each girl in the Homecoming court let loose a fistful of balloons.

Screw you, local wildlife. Have fun choking on these!

ULM's Warhawk mascot has a kickass mini-plane car.

Enough about Louisiana-Monroe, let's talk some football.

I know a lot of people are saying they saw encouraging things and improvement in this game, but the main places where we really need to see improvement... There was nothing.

2nd quarter, down 28-0, 4th and short inside the ULM 10... Dodge sends in the kicking team. Okay, that's fine... we want to get the zero off the board. I can deal with this... Even if an obviously furious Rick Villarreal apparently can't, as he leaves the NT sideline shaking his head after this call is made.

Last possession of the half, and just like every other game (Rice, Tulsa, FIU, take your damn pick) we squander the opportunity to punch in a possible game changing score. This time, we get the ball with 2:36 and two timeouts, and we once again piss away a ton of time only to somehow (thank you for overcoming the coaching and playcalling, Gio and company) find ourselves on the ULM 11 yard line with 18 seconds left. Down 35-3, Dodge again elects to send in the kicking team. Several of the parents in our section are so disgusted with the call that they leave the stadium. I only saw one of them back in the 2nd half.

3rd quarter, first drive of the second half. Still down by 29 points, the offense drives the ball to the ULM 27 yard line. 4th down and 6, and Dodge sends in the kicking team again. This has the potential to turn a 4 score deficit into... a 4 score deficit. More parents leave our section in frustration.

3rd quarter, 6:39 left. The offense drives as far as the ULM 24 yard line. On 4th and 4, down by 26 points with just 21:39 left to play, Dodge sends out the field goal team AGAIN. This one is missed from 43 yards away (maybe Knott's leg was sore from overuse) and we're still down by four touchdowns.

36 seconds left in 3rd, 4th down and 1, still down 35 to 9, Dodge sends in the punt team. Giovanni Vizza runs off screaming “What do we have to lose???” at Dodge. Vizza gets a hug, a speech, and a pat on the ass and helmet. Vizza walks away, still visibly upset.

As if all this weren't bad enough... Almost every time we change the play (and sometimes in initial set, primarily in the 1st half), the ULM defenders scream “Run!” or “Pass!” and adjust accordingly. Any time this happened, they were never wrong. Maybe it’s time to change the offensive sideline signals, because I think the bad guys have figured out how to look past the decoys and figure out when Dodge wants someone to steal a base.

4th quarter, 7:27 left in the game. North Texas still trails by 26 points. We find ourselves in 4th and 10 from the ULM 13 yard line. Imagine everyone's shock when Dodge FINALLY decides to go for the touchdown. Vizza converts on a 13 yard TD pass to Alex Lott, and the 26 North Texas fans who were left in the Visitors section (I counted) go nuts in celebration.

Once we're done cheering and the extra point is converted, I shout the first critical comment I have ever directed at an NT representative on the field of play. Frustrated after the 4 field goal attempts and the pathetic playcalling in general, I shout: "Let's try that again sometime, Coach!" and turn around in disgust to sit down. FilmerJ keeps watching Dodge, and tells me that the comment did not go unnoticed. Perhaps I'm lucky to have avoided my own Ramon Flanagan/SilverEagle moment.

One of the parents still in the stands turns to me and says something to the effect of 'we can't go trying stuff like that until their 2nd teamers are in the game!' We share a depressed laugh, and turn back to the carnage.

I never shouted "Throw the ball, Dickey!" and I've never shouted anything negative at anyone no matter how bad things have been before. But I just couldn't take it.

Anyway, the defense holds ULM again. On 4th down, the Warhawks try a fake field goal that would have been a successful 1st down conversion (and possible TD) but for a penalty. So, paranoid about another fake kick, at 4:42 left in the game, we send nobody back to return a punt. But for some reason, the defenders don't clear the area once the kick comes down, and the punt bounces off an NT helmet and into end zone. 3 ULM guys ignore the ball as it rolls out the back of the end zone. What would have been another ULM touchdown is instead a touchback, North Texas ball.

We score another TD with a little under 2 minutes to play, and the final score is a deceptively close 35-23 North Texas loss. We covered the spread for just the second time all year (both against Louisiana teams: ULM and LSU), so hooray for moral victories. However, that ignores the 6 or 7 penalties ULM got for having too many men on the field or using an illegal offensive formation and the amazing special teams lapse that cost them a free garbage time touchdown.

Maybe I'm just being too pessimistic. And so is Rick V. And so is Giovanni Vizza. And so are about half of the parents who were in the stands with us.

But from where I was sitting, the only reason that we managed to lose by only two touchdowns to a team that had zero D-1A victories this season coming into the game is because the defense played balls out in the second half and ULM shot themselves in the foot with stupid penalties and brain dead execution at critical moments in the game.

Progress! Keep up the great work, Todd Dodge.

So, what positives CAN we take from this game?

Casey: Still a total badass.

Casey Fitzgerald still kicks ass, and he got some late yards and a TD to help pump his stats (and hopefully his NFL Draft prospects).

Gary DeLoach is starting to get some results. Despite the problems we've had this year, I'm still 100% sold on him, and I have no doubt that he can build another dominant North Texas defense if Todd Dodge stays the hell out of his way.

That's assuming that DeLoach doesn't get so fed up that he quits in the offseason, of course.

Also awesome? The current incarnation of Scrappy.

There's a glitter painted freak job who runs around the ULM Student section. After each of the first three ULM touchdowns, he ran into our section and danced around like a jackass in celebration. After the third one, I went down to Scrappy and promised that if he'd tackle that moron, I'd pay whatever bail money he needed to get out of jail.

4th ULM touchdown, Scrappy was standing guard with his spirit stick, blocking the idiot's path.

Sorry, tool. You're looking for love in all the wrong places.

Some ULM students told me that this guy was the Warhawk last year, and now runs around as an unofficial second mascot.

After Scrappy kicked his ass in an impromptu dance competition, ULM Glitter Tool tried to try and make friends.

No dice, glitter boy. You got SERVED!!

Decidedly less awesome? These jerks:

You stay classy, Monroe.

They stood over our section for about half the game, screaming obscenities and talking about how they were "pissed off" and looking to "kill somebody".

From their flagrant and frequent use of the word "motherfucker," they could possibly be the bastard sons of a former North Texas coach who may have spread his seed on a trip through town.

That's all for this trip... See you all for Homecoming, and look forward to a thorough Travels with Tina from Waco after Halloween weekend.