TY Sports

DUNK you very much!

2009-07-10T22:32:00.002-05:00

If you're looking for some HOT HOOPS and COOOOOOOL DRINKS, and you need something to do this Saturday... Swing by the Taste of Dallas!

The sexy fun folks at Sprite and the NBA are bringing the best slam dunkers in Dallas out to the West End... And YOU can vote for the most "slammin" dunker in the bunch!

The event kicks off at 4 p.m. and is absolutely FREE! Recession-friendly family fun, NBA sanctioned, and Sprite sponsored slam-a-rama good times!

Again, the Slam Dunk Showdown throws down at 4:00 p.m. at the West End in Dallas, with NBA legend Darryl Dawkins on hand to lend the whole event some slam-tastic credibility.

Do you like SLAM DUNKS? Do you like text messaging? Do you like Facebook or Twitter?

Then you'll LOVE the Slam Dunk Showdown!!!

If your life is lacking in meaning or joy, join Darryl Dawkins, the NBA, Sprite, and your friends here at TY Sports in a sexy fun adventure, 4:00 p.m. at the West End in Dallas!

And if the super SLAMS are too hot for you... You can cool off with an ice-cold SPRITE!

If you don't show up, Sprite and the NBA won't be able to count YOUR VOTE. And YOUR VOTE MATTERS! You, the fan, can help Sprite and the NBA determine once and for all (until maybe next year) who the greatest dunker in Dallas is!

"Big D" isn't just for Dallas anymore... It's for BIG DUNK! And again, it's TOTALLY FREE!

WE'LL SEE YOU THERE!!!1!

SURPRISE

2009-03-09T02:09:00.004-06:00

Much like that registered sex offender at the end of your cul de sac, we've moved. We can now be found at here. It's all the fun and laughs you've come to expect, plus a few surprises.

In the meantime, please feel free to leave a comment about that old Lance Armstrong post. We love when people do that.

Also, watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Don't wake the dead

2009-01-22T09:03:00.003-06:00

Damn you, Brett Vito. All we want to do is enjoy our semi-blog death in peace and here you go poking and prodding us with your cheap shots. Look, we get it - you blog everyday, sometimes several times a day and have pissed off more people than we can ever hope to with your shocking factual reminders of how North Texas teams perform on the field. You even have a GMG.com account with your name on it - which is more than we can say for some. We get it, you're Brett Vito and we're not.

Still, can you just let us rest in peace?

We figured it might help if we left a note - so here goes:

Dear Reader,

The blog has been boarded up. The windows, the doors, everything. There is absolutely no way to get inside. We're at the Comfort Inn. Room 112.

I love you,

TY

Coup d’état, Skippy style

2008-12-22T21:47:00.005-06:00

Like Oprah's weight gain, Tommy Lee's hepatitis and Steve Jobs' cancerous pancreas, Skippy is back with a vengeance to submit a guest column while asserting hypothetical dominance. While we continue to struggle to figure out the best way to lead a team of donkeys into battle against the cold steel of Bolivian tanks and artillery, this bastard is making his push to win your hearts. Enjoy(?)

So while Ioannis is in South America, fomenting revolution in Bolivia, I thought I might provide a little love to the TY Sports faithful. And unlike TY, I mean that figuratively. Unless you are a fine looking lady, then we can talk… But in the meantime, let’s revisit what Ioannis really brings to the table.

I know you all miss Ioannis’s shenanigans, but seriously he kind of sucks. I mean anyone can take pictures of douchery. Look at these gems from the UNT vs Arkansas State game.

Texas douche enjoys a beer at the Ben E Keith tent

2 for 1 douches: RockChalk and Pittsburg Penguins

The rare speckled breasted Texas Rangers douche

Now that is some good douche reporting! Ioannis never brought you a Rangers douche. Only Skippy can force-feed you such genius.

And pictures of Rick V? Come on has Ioannis ever brought you these tight buttocks?

Ricky V shows his good side

And what about all his so-called “research” he brings to the table? It all leads to the same thing: he misses Darrell Dickey and thinks Todd Dodge sucks. Wow. I am blown away. That is irreplaceable. And about as useful as 3 out of 4 dentists recommending Trident gum. You can’t blow bubbles with it, so screw it. Watch, I can do it too.

Todd Dodge is off to the worst start in North Texas history. If we look at the history of sucky head coaches, we can see he is doomed for failure. I heart Brett Vito’s giant noggin and Darrell Dickey.

See? Easy! I think I should just replace him permanently.

Besides, I had my doubts about this Bolivia nonsense anyway. So I did a little digging and I think I know the real story here. I think that Ioannis is really in Greece leading the riots against the government.

This picture from Reuters clearly shows the calling card Anarchy symbol that Ioannis is so known for. And if you squint hard enough, you can make out his form in the shadows, using lasers against Greek police. My suspicions were confirmed by this email response I received from Ioannis.

“Skippy, you are correct. I am not in Bolivia, but in Greece shooting the police with lasers and painting anarchy symbols on burning cars.”

Is this really the type of person you want providing your dick jokes and fake sports news? I think not.

So to inaugurate the reign of Skippy the Greek Slayer, I bring you this excellent oil stain from the Blockbuster parking lot that looks like a penis:

Clearly, this is an omen from God that I must take Ioannis’s place.

And sinceGoMeanGreen.com laid down the law on swearing, I empower you all to say shit and fuck as much as you want here!

Long live Skippy!!!

More Media Hate

2008-12-12T14:15:00.002-06:00

Fuck newspapers and fuck merger agreements.

From Frontburner:

So, once the Star-T signs off on this, the News will run ST stories on the Rangers and motorsports. And the ST will run News stories on the Stars and the Mavs. And both papers will continue to “compete’’ on the Cowboys, though at one point, the ST was actually considering given up the Cowboys to the News. … Which, as someone must have realized, makes sense because the Cowboys are moving to Tarrant County, remember.

The only semi-winner in this thing, on the surface, would seem to be Nancy’s BFF, Evan Grant, the fine Rangers beat writer who is getting “promoted’’ to Morning News beat writer for the Cowboys. Not sure if he thinks it’s a promotion (Nancy won’t say … b****). He’ll go from full ownership of the Rangers to competing with ESPN trying to break Cowboys stories. And I have no idea how much he likes football, but I KNOW he absolutely lives for stuff between the lines (the games) and even the geeky stuff in the off-season, like the baseball winter meetings. So even the winner loses.

We can now get 17 people writing about the fucking Cowboys and Anthony Henry's infected taint muscle but will lose Evan Grant's ability to cover baseball? This makes me a very sad panda.

I know we're not posting

2008-12-12T11:10:00.005-06:00

But this morning I was driving in to work and was listening to Sports Radio 1310 The Ticket discuss the latest over-blown, grating Cowboys controversy where the little bitch quarterback who turns the ball over all the time playing for the overrated offensive genius who can't figure out how to use freaking Roy Williams when even Mike Martz could (not my words, but a Cowboy-hating friend) was called out by his receivers.

Hey, I've been called out by my receivers before, but that is why they make ball gags.

Any who, some local white-trash yokel calls in with this gem (paraphrased three hours later):

"You know, a lot of people here like TO when he is catching passes and doing well, but now he's not even doing that. Some people might have forgotten about when he desecrated the Star as a 49er, but not me. I've never forgiven him!"

Are you kidding me? If I hear one more bullshit rant about TO "desecrating" the star I am going to stab someone in the neck with a pair of scissors, then run an orgy/drug ring out of a Valley Ranch neighborhood home, then arrange a whore caravan to join me on my next trip to Phoenix, then make arrangements to bang stewardesses during charter flights and then do some blow off of hookers in a hotel room. Oh wait, I'm not 90% of the 1990s Cowboys roster. If that statement pisses you off, then read this book immediately.

I guess i'm just a bad fan who needs to get in line, so here goes:

THIS IS A FOOTBALL TOWN!!!!! ROMO IS A FORCE WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE PLAYS!! WE HAVE TOO MANY WEAPONS TO BE SLOWED!!!! WE'RE DOING WHAT THE GIANTS DID LAST YEAR AND PEAKING ON DEFENSE LATE!!! WE CONTROL OUR OWN DESTINY!!!! YEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Kill me. Go Falcons.

Florida Gators unveil new strategy to contain Sam Bradford

2008-12-08T10:41:00.004-06:00

In an extremely unorthodox move, Urban Meyer has already announced his team's strategy to bottle up the explosive Sooners offense by using a tried and true strategy from America's great and noble history.

"We watch a lot of film, and you really can't argue that there has been a better way to stop folks like Bradford," Meyer said. "We'll be sending these each and every day through kickoff."

While several coaches have praised history for the return of the single wing around all levels of football, this strategy is seen as even more retro - and bold.

"We don't even run snaps under center anymore because it went out of style 4 years ago," said North Texas football coach Todd dodge in a rare moment of candor while horseback-riding with Fort Worth Star-Telegram reporter Troy Phillips. "Who the heck has time to study film from the 18th and 19th centuries?"

The Oklahoma Sooners have not been reached for comments, but team sources say Stoops is hard at work trying to hook Tebow up with "the perfect car dealership job" for the holidays.

Cowboys make a statement on a key political issue

2008-12-07T15:47:00.002-06:00

And yes, I hate myself for posting this, but not as much as I would if I didn't.

Greetings from Bolivia, Mr. Phillips.

2008-12-07T11:32:00.003-06:00

Before we get started: This is a one-time only thing. No amount of journalistic hackery will distract us back from our military mission in Bolivia again. If this sloppiness hadn't been published on a Sunday morning while our little brown brothers are all at Mass, we wouldn't even have the time for our quick post.

Being a local beatwriter is a very tough, thankless job. You work long, unpleasant hours. You have to travel a lot. Your paycheck is usually smaller than if you had chosen an exciting career in fast food management.

But that's no excuse for doing a half-assed job. As loyal readers may recall, we've had to scold Fort Worth Star-Telegram beatwriter Troy Phillips for his inaccurate, sloppy, dishonest, and downright deceitful writing before.

Training a Latin American paramilitary revolutionary force takes a lot of time, and I don't really have the time to go through and dissect this full article at great length.

Phillips reports that the NCAA restricted North Texas to 77 scholarships due to APR violations. But the NCAA's most recent APR report says that North Texas is only restricted to 80. When did this change, what caused the additional penalty, and when did that story get reported?

As for the claim that Dodge's first recruiting class was assembled in a mere 15 days... I'll only say that that doesn't jibe with the difference between his hiring date and national signing day. That "15 days" figure may have something to do with NCAA mandated dead periods... Again, I don't have much time to research, but I would love an explanation. Preferably, one that mentions how Dodge chose to stay at his old job (understandably) until the high school playoffs were over. Also, one that points out that even with this self-inflicted (and again, totally understandable) delay, Dodge had more time and more scholarships for recruiting than Middle Tennessee coach Rick Stockstill did in his first year, among a lengthy list of others.

There's some other stuff, like listing deep snappers and kick holders as "starters" to prove that Dodge isn't benching Dickey recruits, and a comment about how many graduating seniors were walk-ons at some point. That walk-on list would include Casey Fitzgerald, but I'm not sure if it includes Latif Nurudeen, who was a Baylor walk-on before coming here as a Dodge scholarship player. Again... I don't have a ton of time for research on any of those questions.

But one thing I DID take the time to research is an analysis of this statement:

No other Bowl Subdivision team in Texas would want to field a team with UNT’s 2008 roster configuration.

More than 60 percent of the 101 players were sophomores, redshirt or true freshmen. The outgoing senior class, 17 players, had nine current or former walk-ons.

That's a lot of Sophomores and Freshmen! Over 60 percent! And just 17 Seniors! That's a mere 16.8% of the roster!!

Indeed, no team in the state of Texas could POSSIBLY want to field a team with that sort of roster configuration. But it does make a fellow wonder... What sort of roster configuration did all the other teams in Texas have?

Don't worry, we already did the research. Here are the numbers:
(Note: all numbers for Seniors also include once and current walk-ons, just like North Texas)

Texas: 116 players on roster
21 Seniors (18.1%), 74 Freshmen or Sophomores (63.8%)

Texas Tech: 123 players on roster
16 Seniors (17.7%), 75 Freshmen or Sophomores (61%)

Texas A&M: 124 players on roster
22 Seniors (17.7%), 72 Freshmen or Sophomores (58.1%)

Baylor: 109 players on roster
20 Seniors (18.3%), 60 Freshmen or Sophomores (55.6%)

TCU: 111 players on roster
20 Seniors (18%), 71 Freshmen or Sophomores (64%)

SMU: 113 players on roster
13 Seniors (11.5%), 81 Freshmen or Sophomores (71.7%)

UTEP: 113 players on roster
13 Seniors (11.5%), 72 Freshmen or Sophomores (63.7%)

Rice: 95 players on roster
15 Seniors (15.8%), 58 Freshmen or Sophomores (61.1%)

Houston: 105 players on roster
19 Seniors (18.1%), 63 Freshmen or Sophomores (60%)

So while no team in Texas may have wanted to field a roster like UNT's... Every school in Texas did. The only schools that didn't have at least 60% of their roster in the Freshman or Sophomore classes were Baylor (5 players short of the 60% threshhold) and Texas A&M (2 players short).

And as for those Seniors? Well, the biggest Senior class in the state was just 1.5% bigger than the one at North Texas. To put it in perspective, if we were losing just less than one and a half more Seniors this season... It would be the largest group of Seniors (relative to roster size) of any FBS school in the state.

What does it all mean? Well, it means that actual research trumps blind acceptance of Todd Dodge excuses.

Mr. Phillips, the entire Dick Joke Armey begs you: Please do a better, more honest job. We can't police you all the way from South America... You'll have to be honest in your own writing.

Please. Do it for the children.

As for us... Viva la revolucion. We've got work to do.

A Sexy Thank You

2008-12-03T22:45:00.006-06:00

Dear Mitch,

If you're holding this letter, you already know. The house has been boarded up. The doors. The windows. Everything.

We're at the Comfort Inn, Room 112.

I love you,
Frank

See, if I can't ensnare you with Old School quotes and sexy cartoons, you're not half the frat guy from 2005 that I am pretending to be right now. As loannis already told you, we're off to go on a very awesome adventure that involves dicks, some weird type of South American Mexicans, and more dicks. loannis is going to be like a ghost (although this blog has brought us to a homoerotic friendship pinnacle that now involves daily phone calls, jealous lovers and impromptu career counseling sessions) and I am going to continue to take on a bigger travel/work schedule that has made it harder to do much. All of my dreams of fake professors and Pizza Inn Nazis have had to be put on hold, but I can still screw around on GMG with the best of them. [EDITORIAL: Please start making the people on this site less dumb. I can't lose my workday release to mounting idiocy.] And, if we're being honest, there are only so many ways to tell the world that Todd Dodge has done a shitty job this season and only so long it helps to talk about it.

I will still try to sprinkle in a post or two, and, in the interest of things that look easy to do with minimal effort, I even created a TYSports Twitter feed. If you're not familiar with Twitter, don't feel bad. I honestly can't figure out the point of a normal person having an account, and mostly just see a mix of awesome fake profiles and preachy PR /marketing types. Still, this is at least a way to keep doing something different that might help me get to know our ten loyal readers better. And you are always welcome to keep emailing and GMG PMing as well. You have no idea how many conference calls you people get me through. At least when I'm not in Latin America.

Also, this is only a hiatus. We're not shutting this down. We're not under investigation by our employers. RV is not pulling the strings on us (as sexy as a string-pulling RV sounds.) We will be back in January on a full-time schedule, and it will be sexier than ever. In fact, we promise you the following:

More basketball than you can handle, including the team trip to the Sun Belt Conference Basketball Tournament (get your tickets now!)
More Green Man!
A bigger and badder site that loannis and I design ourselves. Blogger has been good to keep the amateur feel we've strived for, but sometimes it feels like we are walking into a room full of Santonio Holmeses and slapping our shriveled white genitals on the table next to his Big Steeler.
A way to rework in pro sports talk. We've really embraced our niche with gusto, but sometimes I need an outlet for my admittedly softening hockey boner and blind faith in the Rangers soon-to-be #1 ranked farm system and young core.

So please don't forget about us. 2009 is going to be a good year to mock - for better or worse. Tina loves you all and we are looking forward to blowing you (out of the water) next year!

Vision Quest

2008-11-30T11:38:00.008-06:00

When Tina speaks, her loyal subjects must obey.

We shall return.

But before we return, we have to leave.

20 months ago, TY was visited by the spirit of the divine Ms. Tina. She commanded him to go forth; to create a poorly conceived, typo-riddled dick joke weblog that would glorify her name.

And lo, he did. TY Sports was born, and the sloppy afterbirth was all of you; the Dick Joke Armey. For nearly two years, we have been bringing shame on ourselves and disgrace to our families, all so that the DJA might laugh or think or cry or learn that Waco is unfit for human habitation.

Truly, these have been some of the sexiest, funnest times that a barely readable website and its tiny fan base have ever known.

But TY and I have been entrusted with a new responsibility. While we were out on our weekly tandem bicycle ride to Deep Ellum, we were stopped in our path and thrown to the ground by a sudden flash of brilliant light. It was Tina come to us both in a vision, commanding us to cease our persecution of soccer fans and to follow a new path.

Our mission now is to travel to Bolivia and rally a peasant force of guerrilla bloggers, "El Ejército de Bromas del Pene". We must take these pathetic soccer-loving bastards and train them, arm them, and guide them to overthrow their corrupt, oppressive dictators. Once we've incited the revolution and turned Latin America into a dick joke paradise, we'll come back and resume our work here.

We're not sure exactly how long it will take to turn a continent into Tina's utopia, but don't count on us being back before the middle of January. Worst case, we'll be in Hot Springs to cover the Sun Belt Basketball Tournament in March.

TY will write his own farewell, but know that we love you. And that Tina loves you. You have not seen the last of our internet jackassery. This is a hiatus, not a termination. We both love doing this, and we'll get back to it as soon as possible.

So until our brown skinned brothers are free from tyranny, we're off to serve Tina's will.

Viva la revolucion, and we'll see you sometime in 2009.

Well, it happened

2008-11-23T15:36:00.004-06:00

North Texas may not be a major program, but that doesn't mean it's fans can't make crappily designed template Web sites to express their angst. Not sure who's behind it, but considering our high traffic count, it could easily be one of eight people.

http://firedodge.tumblr.com/

Let the games begin!

Hypothetical Travels with Tina: Austin

2008-11-22T17:02:00.006-06:00

Southwest Austin, West Lake Hills, Rollingwood, Travis County... A great place to raise a family!

With the North Texas football team having clinched their second straight year of double digit losses and Todd Dodge boldly leading my school to loss number 20 in his 3-20 college coaching career, I find myself longing for some sort of escape from the soul crushing reality of the present.

I'd like to take an imaginary journey to a wondrous, magical place. A heaven on earth; an Edenic wonderland where the streets are paved with gold, the sky is always blue, and each day is even more blissful than the last: Austin, Texas. Specifically, the 78746 ZIP Code.

Tina likes her suburbs the same way she likes her wine: rich and white. And it doesn't get much richer and whiter than West Lake Hills, where the population is 95.6% white and the median family income is over $132,000.

The schools in the 78746 are fantastic. I don't have any daughters who are about to start high school next year, but if I did- I'd want them to go to the school that Newsweek ranked 52nd out of the top 1000 schools in America.

I certainly wouldn't want them stuck in an academic wasteland like, say, Carroll High School in Southlake, which didn't even make the list in 2008.

Yes, Westlake High School is an educational marvel. Even though it is the only high school in the Eanes ISD and has over 2,400 students, the administrators somehow manage to keep an average student-to-teacher ratio of 25 to 1. And their average SAT score is 170 points above the Texas state average!

Westlake isn't all about bookwork, though. Like any good academic institution, they know that part of learning is well-roundedness through extracurricular activities. Artistic students get to explore their gifts through a wide variety of media. The band has won Texas State Honor Band three times! There are clubs for everything from Japanese Pop Culture to Knitting to Swing Dancing to Underground Film to Origami to Chinese Culture to... Well, let's just say there are a lot of interesting clubs.

Oh, and it seems they play a little football, too.

That's a pretty nice stadium! Can't complain about a facility like that!

Actually, they play some pretty good football, with 5 appearances in the 5-A State Championship in the previous 13 seasons. Things have been a little rough lately, what with their relatively new head coach struggling out of the gate and stumbling to a 6-4 record this season. He's only been there for 5 years as the head coach, though, so it may still be too early to judge him based on his results. And besides, I'm sure a school like Westlake, which excels in every single way imaginable and has a history of top level football success, is perfectly content to settle for mediocrity on the football field.

Their coach also happens to be the Athletic Director, so hopefully he can take comfort in his unusually high salary for a high school football coach. I imagine it's pretty tough to live up to the high standards set by a legend like Ebbie Neptune, and any coach/A.D. who took over a job like that would have some pretty big shoes to fill.

Big, spacious homes and rolling hillsides.

The 78746 ZIP code has so much more to offer than just beautiful scenery and outstanding public education, though. There's also fantastic shopping with the over 180 retailers who call Barton Creek Square Mall their home. And there's 14 screens of modern stadium seating at the local AMC for any movie lovers, plus three nearby Alamo Draft House theaters.

Might the pot of gold at the end of your rainbow be found in the 78746? There's only one way to find out!

Yep, the 78746 ZIP Code area is the perfect fantasy getaway for anyone trapped in a hopeless situation.

From time to time, I think about trying to find myself a new job somewhere in the 78746. I'll tell you one thing... If anyone ever offered me a job that would allow me to move there, I'd go in a heartbeat.

Even if I had a good paying job already, I'd have to consider that in these turbulent economic times, I could always find myself unemployed tomorrow. Or three weeks from now. If I had an offer in the 78746, I don't know how I could possibly turn it down.

Yep, I'd TAKE THE JOB.

In a heartbeat, I'd GO.

I don't think anything could make me not TAKE IT.

I think I'd have to QUIT AND TAKE THE DAMN JOB PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE QUIT AND TAKE THE JOB PLEASE JUST DO IT QUIT AND TAKE THE JOB!!!!!

I might have to swallow my pride a little bit, but I'd still have a great job in a great place that's a great location to raise a family. Especially if I'd still be doing what I loved somewhere that I could easily be successful again. It might not be easy, but I think I'd have to go for it.

And if I had a friend in the same situation, I'd probably encourage them to do the same thing.

Time to get Meta

2008-11-20T17:22:00.002-06:00

While surfing the world-wide internet today, I came across this Typealyzer beta site that tells you what kind of blog you are.all you do is enter the URL and the magical tubes analyze what you write - just like witchcraft!

So would Typealyzer peg us as a flaming homo with a sham marriage and a Greek guy who likes to look at stats? Would I finally be called out for my constant typos and lack of interesting content? How well do you know me, Typealyzer? Are you inside my head?

Sadly, this was the answer: MECHANICS

The independent and problem-solving type. They are especially attuned to the demands of the moment are masters of responding to challenges that arise spontaneously. They generally prefer to think things out for themselves and often avoid inter-personal conflicts.

The Mechanics enjoy working together with other independent and highly skilled people and often like seek fun and action both in their work and personal life. They enjoy adventure and risk such as in driving race cars or working as policemen and firefighters.

Well, that Greek guy does like race cars and I got an excuse to post sexy mechanics, so I'd call this a win-win. Thanks for the free filler, internet! We'll get some real content up again soon - as soon as we finish these haikus. Anyone know a good fireman we can keep around?

Brownie takes in North Texas vs. Cameron

2008-11-15T02:20:00.009-06:00

Longtime readers of TY Sports will recall that from time to time, we call upon a member of the Professional Sportswriter Fraternity to help our sad little basement dwelling blogger minds process the world of sports. When faced with truly significant matters that no mere blogger dares to tackle, we turn to a real live sportswriter to tell the tales for us.

In this edition, Dallas/Fort Worth sportswriting legend and occasional TY Sports contributor Brownie Sherridan was dispatched to Denton to cover the North Texas Basketball home opener from a Serious Sports Perspective.

----------

Back in 1891, Mr. James Naismith invented the immaculate sport of "Basket-Ball". Two teams of men. Two peach baskets. One ball. Perfection on hard wood.

Ever since, folks have been doing their darnedest to screw the game up. First, they made up some cockamamie super shot worth more than two points. Then they decided to let the ethnics start playing**. Next thing you know, nobody takes set shots anymore. The warm up suits are made out of satin and the shorts all have piping on them, so you can't tell whether you're watching men at sport or a bunch of two-bit street floozies trying to turn their next trick.

The day they decided to let players touch the rim was the day I quit watching altogether. And when the boys asked me to go cover whatever passes for Basket-Ball these days, I was none too keen on the notion.

But I'd make myself a liar if I said I didn't miss the game at least a little bit. And the boys promised me I'd get to see at least a few layups. So I gritted my dentures and hopped a streetcar to the Super Pit in Denton.

The good Mr. Naismith must be spinning like a top. My misty eyes couldn't even recognize the faintest glimmer of what Basket-Ball used to be. As if replacing the peach basket bottoms with netting wasn't already bad enough, some joker went ahead and took down the hoops altogether. And from the looks of things, they don't use a ball anymore, either!

If there aren't any baskets and there aren't any balls, how can they still get away with calling it Basket-Ball?

But the worst, dear reader, the worst revelation was still to come. I punched a hole through my fedora the first time I saw a Basket-Ball player with hair down over his ears. But I'd trade all the crew cuts in the world to erase the memory of what I witnessed in Denton this evening...

They've gotten rid of men entirely, and replaced them with clattering metal monstrosities! Flesh and blood pushed aside in favor of steam powered contraptions!

Your loyal scribe can't tell you which team won, because these wingtips turned back around and walked right on through the exit doors. I won't call a woman in pants a lady, and I won't dignify the abomination I witnessed tonight by calling it Basket-Ball.

No sir. I leave this foolishness to the fools who don't know any better.

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** - ED: While we don't condone Brownie's unsavory views on segregated sports, we are contractually obligated to print his columns without any modifications save the insertion of supporting photographs. While we shake our heads at his narrow-mindedness and intolerance of immigrants, we hope readers will understand that for a man who grew up in the 1880's, racial and ethnic tolerance comes slowly.

TY Sports 500th post: Tales from The Snake Pit

2008-11-14T23:23:00.007-06:00

Basketball is back! Everybody in the middle!

For post number 500, we're going to celebrate North Texas Basketball's trip in the wayback machine- the season opener at the Snake Pit.

Because of some scheduling issues, the men found themselves hosting Cameron across the street from the friendly confines of the Super Pit. But when life hands an Athletics Director lemons, he makes delicious retro lemonade. Super Pit booked? Let's kick it old school at the Ken Bahnsen Gym, affectionately called the Snake Pit back in it's 50's-70's heyday.

The Band, denied the usual dedicated section, was forced to stand in the corner like a bunch of misbehaving children.

In a nostalgic move that dredged up memories of the darkest period in North Texas Athletics history, someone dug up...

Eppy, the wimpiest mascot ever.

Anyone who loves Scrappy the War Eagle may be wondering who the hell that slump-shouldered sad sack is. That would be Eppy, the North Texas mascot during the dark ages when Scrappy was decommissioned for being "too violent" and "war-like".

That's right... The dirty hippie communists that used to run what was then known as North Texas State decided that Scrappy the War Eagle was too much of a badass, so they wussified the eagle and created Eppy the Eunuch.

Why the hell anyone would ever shut down Scrappy the War Eagle, especially for something like Eppy the Let's Drink Some Chamomile Tea and Talk About Our Feelings Eagle, is a mystery to me. Fortunately, the folks in charge finally wised up and Scrappy prowls our athletic events again, hopefully forever.

But it was throwback night, so why not bring out old Eppy to celebrate the old-timey goodness?

Well... According to the official Athletics site, the Super Pit was built in 1973. And according to history as told by the Talons, Eppy wasn't created until 1974. So to whoever thought they were giving a shout out to the good old days when Eppy politely clapped and gave out group hugs to Home and Visitor alike at the Snake Pit...

It was a sweet notion, but Eppy was an anachronism. On top of being a historical disgrace. I mean, just look at him, people! He doesn't even wear pants! It's like having Porky Pig as your college mascot!!! What were you all thinking back then?!?

Pre-game tribute to the man after whom the building was named

Before tipoff, Johnny Jones drew the crowd's attention to center court to pay tribute to Ken Bahnsen. Scrappy showed his appreciation as well. I thought it was a very nice touch, though I wish the acoustics were better so I could have understood what the announcer was saying. Everything over the P.A. sounded like an adult in a Charlie Brown animated special. Did you know that Ken Bahnsen wah-WAH-wah-WAH-wah-wah back in wah-wah-wah-WAH?

Anyone who can properly encapsulate the contributions Ken Bahnsen made to North Texas history, please share with the rest of the class in the comments section.

Concessionaires in the stands!

One neat thing about this game was the presence of concessions people in the stands during the game. Getting in and out of the stands was a nightmare, so their presence was a clever way to sell snacks and drinks to the fans. And a tip of the hat to whoever trained them for this game, because they never stood up or walked through the crowd unless play was stopped for a timeout.

Enjoy the view from my spot in the stands. Can you tell who's at the foul line? Or even what sport you're paying to watch?

Holding a game at the Snake Pit sounded like a lot of fun, and I was really looking forward to it. But honestly, having watched a game there... I'd be perfectly satisfied if we never do it again. Because for all the excitement and novelty, the experience itself sucked pretty hard.

The bleachers are all parallel and in straight lines from one end of the court to another, so whenever anyone wants to stand up, a huge chunk of the stands have a dramatically reduced sight line. And the available stands are all elevated so that even when your view isn't obstructed by anyone standing, you still can't see anything beyond the bottom edge of the court.

I prefer to stand at games, so I wasn't particularly bothered... Though is it REALLY necessary to stand ON the bleachers? Especially when many of the people doing it spent much of the game text messaging and generally not paying full attention to what was going on? I didn't mind the standing because I'm tall and I generally like to stand anyway. But even standing up, because of the students perched on bleachers I couldn't see 20% of the court. Most of the older spectators in the corner with us just gave up on trying, sat down, and resigned themselves to watching a half court basketball game.

I'm not trying to give the students a hard time for standing and being spirited, though I do feel bad for the gray haired folks who missed out on a lot of basketball. But one of the downsides of the Snake Pit is that there's no clear Student Section to avoid that sort of conflict.

Aside from the obstructed view, playing at the Snake Pit cost North Texas at least one turnover. Collin Dennis was called for an over and back mid-court violation that, in my eyes, was incorrectly called. I think the referee saw him cross one of the black lines immediately on either side of the actual mid-court line and made a bad call.

The halftime hoedown showdown: Scrappy vs. the Crazed Eagles (I think).

The first half was a little disappointing, as North Texas couldn't pull away from Cameron before halftime. But perhaps Scrappy's fly moves inspired the team to new heights in the second half, because the boys came out on a roll and took a commanding lead quickly.

No adjustments can save you, Cameron.

I know a lot of folks are getting anxious about this season because they were hoping to see more in the exhibition and home opener. Personally, I'm not concerned.

My big questions coming into the year were whether we'd be able to replace the contributions of Keith Wooden and Quincy Williams, and whether Dominique Johnson would be able to soften the blow of losing Ben Bell.

So far, the answer to both questions is yes. Howerton has been a revelation. The Howerton who showed up for the SBC Tournament last year is back and playing at an even higher level. I thought he'd be a critical 3rd or 4th option in the paint, but he's starting and he deserves it. If he can play anywhere close to this level for the rest of the season, I'll be ecstatic. Tramiel and Odufuwa are both obvious talents, even if they may look a little confused from time to time. Tramiel has the added benefit of what looks like a pretty good outside shot, so he may be able to play a little 3, too. Hogans looks like he's filled out physically, and Harold Stewart is the same hard working, dependable presence he's always been. At the point, Johnson isn't a pass-first guy like Ben Bell, but he's very smooth with the ball and he's a welcome addition that should keep us on track.

For everyone that's freaked out... Relax. Josh White hasn't dominated in either game the way he showed he was capable of doing as a freshman. Collin Dennis is apparently struggling with some personal/family problems, and he's only played 11 total minutes. Johnny Jones is experimenting with some wild lineups, and the guys we already know are stars haven't played anywhere near their peak levels yet.

I'm not saying it's going to be a cakewalk to 20 wins again, but I do think that this team is going to be just fine once they get settled in together.

It's nice to see North Texas win a game again.

North Texas wins. It feels so good to say that... NORTH TEXAS WINS. People may be worried that it wasn't a big enough margin, but a win is a win is a win and it all adds up to SEXYTIME.

Considering the horrendous year the football team is going through, it feels like it's been forever since we enjoyed some Sexytime here at TY Sports. So you'll have to excuse us if we go a little overboard, as we have three different Super Sexy Snapshots, each one sexier than the last.

Rick Villarreal greets recently departed superhero Keith Wooden

Longtime readers of this site know that I have a particular fondness for Keith Wooden. Seeing him in the stands before the game, I had to go over and say hello. But "hello" turned into "I love you" turned into "I'm so glad you're here" and I finally just forced myself to walk away before I completely lost my mind and tried to cut off a lock of his hair.

Scrappy and RV plot against Texas Douche

From across the arena, Rick V spotted Texas Douche on the front rail of the stands. He went over and grabbed a North Texas shirt, waved Scrappy over, and gave Scrappy his orders: Go forth and de-Douche-ify.

Scrappy worked his way upstairs and all but forced Texas Douche to change shirts. There was much rejoicing in the stands.

Rick V. Johnny Jones. A sexy embrace. While Dr. Bataille watches.

Get out of my dreams, get on the floor of the Snake Pit!

It's been a long time, but I think the wait has paid off. If this isn't the sexiest Sexytime ever, I don't know what tops it. The picture quality may suck (sorry), but the subject matter is unreal.

Keith Wooden! Scrappy! Douche-fighting! Johnny Jones! Man hugs! Dr. B! A WIN!

This was the greatest, sexiest night ever!

Thank goodness basketball is back. Here's to a great year for North Texas, and another 500 posts for Tina.

‘Round here, basketball never stink(y pinky)s!

2008-11-14T16:29:00.003-06:00

The internets are a scary place. You constantly have to evolve, adapt and blatantly steal from others or you become obsolete. One minute you’re on top of the world, breaking down the history of college football getting traffic by the dozens, and the next you are back on the bottom, struggling to come up with a halfway decent post for two weeks.

Still, we are TY. We don’t just adapt, we evolve with a passion that even a Creatonist can appreciate. Once we saw that Ponyfans had a ~~weekly, monthly,~~ somewhat regular column from their 10-year starting quarterback who happens to be a former North Texas offensive coordinator, we saw the writing on the wall. We needed our own person to fling with, but it certainly couldn’t be Mr. Flanagan.

Still, the groundwork was there. Who’s a former coach that knows the best success in the history of the program, but still fizzled to a point that his/her departure led to great joy? Also, how could we create a mythical partnership to benefit Susan G. Komen for the Cure (in theoretical dollars only?)

The solution was clear – welcome to the first edition of “Two in the Pink with Slink,” featuring former North Texas basketball coach Tina Slinker!

Hello, Mean Green fans! Wow, the offseason has flown without recruiting and getting ready for the season. I have been around most of the girls this season and can’t wait to see what they can do. I think we are in a position to really build on the decades of foundation I laid (just kidding! Lolz!) I don’t think we’re going to just up and pound our opponents into submission, but I think we might see a surprised drilling or two before the season is done!

Shanice Stephens is a hell of a coach and a recruiter and I see big things in her future! In her first game against TWU in exhibition, she switched in and out of the halfcourt trap and really made her presence known. It just proves that you can get so used to poking a sleeping cat one way that, even though you’re poking hard, it just needs something different to get it running again.

Speaking of taking charge, how about that Amber Jackson suspension from over the summer? Even though the girl will be back soon, I thought it sent a nice message about accountability – especially one that didn’t involve drug-testing, which is rare around here 9lolz!!!11!! OMG! JK!11!) Still, let’s be careful. Using a star player from the old coach to exert your authority and show you mean business may work in the short run, but the players don't like getting dicked around with. It can backfire long-term.

My only other concern may not be a concern at all. The incoming class is great and should be a great foundation. And the transfers are good. But relying on transfers and incoming freshmen in 2009 gives you a big hairy problem to chew on this season: Who plays NOW? Can Stephens put a respectable product on the floor in her year? We'll just have to hope she does.

That’s all for now. I’ll be back to talk to you throughout the season. GO MEAN GREEN!!!

Why must TYMat B so cruel?

2008-11-11T01:57:00.012-06:00

GoMeanGreen.com owner, operator, evil genius, and home wrecker Harry Miers plots to steal our Sun Belt expert away

Back in January, TY Sports unleashed the first public phase of the Tina Yothers Media Awareness Takeover: The Sun Belt Basketball Report.

The internet had something to offer to almost any bizarre, twisted obsession imaginable. Looking for crude erotic drawings of the pink haired cartoon spokeswoman for Esurance? The internet was there for you. Searching for a good way to cook vermin in a popcorn popper? Cyberspace was teeming with recipes. But for anyone seeking a clearinghouse of analysis, predictions, and inappropriate jokes about Sun Belt Basketball... There was nothing.

TY Sports saw a tiny niche that the seemingly infinite expanse of the internet hadn't covered, and we jumped at the opportunity. TY and I tracked down an emotionally fragile shut-in from New England who had an encyclopedic knowledge of the Sun Belt and a desperate yearning for a pulpit from which to spread his dangerous, paranoid worldview. All we had to do was take his weekly manifestos, edit out the Communist propaganda and death threats against various heads of state, and post whatever was left on our website.

Thus was born TYMat B, the premiere Sun Belt Basketball expert in all the land. And for 6 months or so, things couldn't have been better. Tina and TYMat combined to bring the world a weekly analysis of the conference, and later, Radio Free Sun Belt: an unsanctioned perspective on the sexy fun world of SBC Tournament Basketball (arguably this website's one greatest sustained contribution to the world). With a new SBC Basketball season just around the corner, the future seemed bright for TY Sports and TYMat B.

Tragically, we now know that TYMat B is a dirty, lying, cheating, filthy, two-timing whore.

Posting under the ridiculous internet pseudonym Jesse... something-or-other, TYMat recently started writing content for GoMeanGreen.com's front page. We're not sure what they used to lure him away. Perhaps it was a reputable outlet for his work, perhaps it was the possibility of actual media accreditation, or perhaps it was something as simple as a promise not to whip him with a leather strap on an hourly basis.

Whatever the bait may have been, Harry and the gang at GoMeanGreen obviously had something to offer that we just couldn't match. Before we realized he was even considering leaving us... There was an empty space in TYMat's habitat at the TY Sports Institute of Internet Jackassery. And, more importantly, there was an empty space in our hearts.

Tears were shed and tantrums were thrown. But eventually, we regained our composure and started planning for the post-TYMat B era. Because the Tina Yothers Media Awareness Takeover program didn't start with TYMat B. And we aren't willing to let it end with his savage betrayal, either.

Robots... Our past plan for conquering the future.

When we first conceived of the Tina Yothers Media Awareness Takeover plan, we expected our Sun Belt Basketball expert to be a specially programmed robot. TY Sports contributor(?) Alex P. Keaton was going through a phase where he was obsessed with the film Bicentennial Man, and for weeks he wouldn't stop talking about how we should buy and program a robot to write an SBC column (and tidy up around the Dick Joke Development Lab at the Institute).

We looked into buying one of the crazy dancing Honda robots to serve as the Tina Yothers Media Awareness Takeover Android (a.k.a.: TYMat A), but those things are insanely expensive. To shut Alex up, the rest of us pooled our money, bought a ventriloquist dummy, and just told him it was a wooden robot that would only analyze the Sun Belt when it was on Nappy's lap.

TYMat A (left) and TY Sports contributor(?) Nappy Headed Ho, shortly before Nappy broke into one of many shrieking fits of terror.

We quickly learned that Nappy has a deeply rooted childhood trauma related to ventriloquism. Whenever he came into direct contact with the puppet, he would scream and recoil in horror, usually spending the rest of the day whimpering on the floor, curled in the fetal position. We were forced to declare the TYMat A experiment a failure. Luckily for the rest of us, Alex had forgotten about Bicentennial Man and robots, and was instead fascinated by Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. While Alex was trying to teach himself to dance and Nappy was crying and wetting himself as he struggled to return to normal function, TY and I were free to move on to the next stage of the TYMat plan...

The TYMat habitat, shown publicly for the first time.

A human TYMat: TYMat B, with the "B" standing for "Bastard who would one day break our hearts and abandon us for our online competitors".

We shackled TYMat, held him prisoner at the Institute, and the rest is history. But we let him out to go to Mobile for the SBC Tournament, and apparently spending the rest of his life chained up in a tiny cage and beaten daily with a leather strap (sometimes hourly, when deadlines loomed) couldn't compete with the big world outside his habitat.

Lesson learned, we've decided to move forward with a new TYMat that we hope to keep under better control. But this one is a non-human ape.

Meet the Tina Yothers Media Awareness Takeover Chimpanzee. You can call him TYMat C for short.

Chimps are naturally smart animals, but we went the extra mile and paid a shadowy branch of the U.S. Government to genetically and socially engineer the perfect new TYMat for us. They subjected him to all available archive footage of past SBC Basketball games to give him the expertise we needed. They taught him sign language, so that he could communicate his columns to us. And most importantly, they implanted an explosive device in his skull that will cause him to blow up if he ever tries to set foot beyond the Institute grounds.

I'll be damned if we're getting our hearts broken by another SBC expert. If this one doesn't want to stay put, NOBODY gets to have him.

We picked up the new TYMat late last week in anticipation of a SBC Preview column that would trounce the one on GoMeanGreen.com. Unfortunately, we forgot that none of the members of Team Tina understand sign language, so at the moment we have no way of translating TYMat C's undoubtedly genius musings on the year to come.

Our planning may be poor, but our spirits are indomitable. Loyal readers deserve some sort of Sun Belt predictions, so we held up two posters covered with team logos and jabbed TYMat C with a meterstick until he threw feces at one team from each division.

Using this scientific method, the TY Sports expert projection is that the Western Division champion will be North Texas. In the Eastern Division, there was some poo splatter and the prediction isn't totally clear... Based on the results, we offer 96% odds on Florida International, 4% odds on Florida Atlantic.

While we're on the subject, if anyone in the reading audience understands sign language and loves animals, please email us through the addresses provided in the menu on the right of your screen.

In conclusion, if you're mourning the loss of TYMat B, get over it. Because we sure did. TYMat B is dead to us now; deader than Pat Benetar. We've replaced him with a poop-throwing Government-programmed superchimp, and we think the accuracy and quality of our SBC analysis will not suffer at all.

But just so he knows... If things don't work out in the internet big leagues between TYMat B and the GoMeanGreen honchos... We're keeping his cage just the way he left it.

Just in case he ever wants to visit for old times' sake.

Tina justifies her love

2008-11-10T02:02:00.010-06:00

I know, you're all furious that Tina took a week off and you're clamoring for closure on Baylor Homecoming Weekend. And I'm sure everyone is outraged that we didn't post a mocking open letter from a Florida Atlantic University professor.

We apologize for the lack of free entertainment; know that we love you all and we're sorry to disappoint everyone. Suffice it to say I had a terrible week, and I didn't have much comedy in me. As for TY, he's just a lazy bastard.

But we're both sorry, and we'll try to do better in the future. We know that there are a lot of options out there in the category of North Texas-centric/dick joke websites, and we don't want to see any of our dozen plus(?) loyal fans abandon us.

But before I dredge up the memories of a weekend in Waco and before we celebrate the start of basketball season, let's address a valid question that's being posed with increasing frequency by some North Texas football fans:

What's so super about Gary DeLoach?

Why does Gary DeLoach appear to be immune from the criticism that was aimed at his predecessor? It's a very fair question, and it deserves fair consideration.

First off, let's go ahead and state that after the FAU game (11/8/08), North Texas ranks 119th in Total Defense and 118th in Scoring Defense among all Division 1-A (or FBS, however you prefer to call it) football programs. If Gary DeLoach would respond to our phone calls, emails, love letters, strip-o-grams, carrier pigeons, or what have you, I'd wager that he'd be the first to tell you those sorts of results are not acceptable levels of performance.

The defense is struggling. North Texas is giving up a lot of points and a lot of yards. The man DeLoach was hired to replace led us to the worst defense (in terms of points allowed) in all of 1-A football. With 2 games left to go, DeLoach's defense has fought, clawed, and climbed their way up to... second to last in scoring defense.

Why aren't the masses screaming for blood like they were last year?

1) DeLoach has proven he can build a successful defense at North Texas.
As frustrating as the defensive struggles have been, DeLoach still brings a real reason to expect better days ahead. Fans who have followed the program for 6 years or more have already seen the results DeLoach is capable of generating here.

For newer fans unfamiliar with the statistics, before DeLoach took over as Defensive Coordinator, here were the stats from the team he inherited:

1999: 72nd in Scoring Defense and 93rd in Total Defense

And here were the stats from his three years leading the defense:

2000: 75th in Scoring Defense, 71st in Total Defense
2001: 40th in Scoring Defense, 42nd in Total Defense
2002: 3rd in Scoring Defense, 9th in Total Defense

The last time DeLoach took over, he didn't spark an immediate, dramatic improvement in year one, either. The defense he led in his first year performed pretty much the same as the defense he took over had performed the year before. But two years later, DeLoach had transformed North Texas into a top ten defense.

I don't think it's realistic to expect North Texas to be leading the country again by 2010... But I do think that if Gary DeLoach is still here, we'll be in the top 25%. And if we're not the best defense in our conference, we'll be very close to whoever is.

Whether it's fair or not, it's easier to be patient with a proven commodity. Much of the criticism directed at Todd Dodge wouldn't exist if the man had a history of success as a college coach. Some of the criticism of DeLoach's predecessor wouldn't have existed if the man had any experience at all beyond the high school level.

Why do I say "some" instead of "much" or "all"? Because...

2) Last year's collapse was more troubling than the struggles we're seeing this year.
That should not be taken to mean that the results on the field in 2008 are acceptable or that DeLoach should be exempt from criticism for this year's problems.

In 2006, the North Texas defense finished the season ranked 64th in Total Defense and 79th in Scoring Defense. In other words, middle of the pack in terms of yards allowed and a little below average in points allowed.

Only one of the members of the 2006 defense graduated before the 2007 season: Sky Pruitt. All in all, 17 players who had started some or all games on defense in 2006 returned for 2007.

DeLoach's predecessor took this returning crop of players and turned them into the worst defense in all of college football. The Mean Green finished the year 119th in Scoring Defense and 113th in Total Defense.

Sky Pruitt, talented as he may have been, did not singlehandedly carry the 2006 defense. When all but one return yet the results fall off so precipitously, the problem has to be coaching. You can't blame talent, because the exact same talent (though younger, smaller, and less experienced) had already demonstrated they were capable of significantly better results.

Exit the old guy, re-enter DeLoach.

But the previous DC wasn't the only one to leave in the offseason... Aaron Weathers, Brandon Monroe, Montey Stevenson, Derek Mendoza, Maurice Holman, Jeremiah Chapman, and Blake Burruss all exhausted their eligibility.

So while the 2007 team was full of seniors and experienced starters at every position, many of those players were not around for the beginning of this season. I don't mean to suggest that the players on this team aren't talented, but they certainly aren't as experienced (or as proven) as the ones that were on the roster in 2007. I do believe there are some very talented players on this year's defense, and many of the players are capable of much more than they've shown on the field so far in their careers.

As bad as the results this year have been so far, I still believe that when you consider the circumstances, what we saw in 2007 was much worse.

Given his track record, I'm inclined to believe that Gary DeLoach is not the problem, and that if the players aren't achieving their full potential, the primary fault is not with DeLoach. Contrast that to 2007, when we saw a dramatic regression from what the same defense achieved under Fred Bleil in 2006, and that same explanation can't be applied to DeLoach's predecessor.

3) Despite the relative disadvantages, one of last year's most troubling stats is improving.
Last season, the defensive strategy and tactics were baffling, to put it mildly. A steadfast reliance on man-to-man coverage in the secondary, a stubborn (and public) refusal to blitz to create pressure on the opposing quarterback... There were many coaching decisions that combined to frequently provide little real resistance to the opposing team's offense. The overall failure on every level inspired the creation of the moniker: The Green Carpet Defense.

To me, the most troubling problem with last year's defense was these Green Carpet episodes- the times when the team would offer little or no resistance. So, after last season was over, I went through the game reports and cataloged how many times this sort of situation occurred. I logged how many times the defense had allowed a touchdown drive of 50 yards or more in less than 2:30. And, in instances where the opposing team started on the North Texas side of the field due to turnovers or special teams breakdowns, I counted each drive where the opposing team scored a touchdown in 3 plays or less.

I chose the 2:30 time limit arbitrarily, because off the top of my head it seemed like a pretty decent yardstick for minimal resistance on a drive that took more than half the field. And I chose the 3 plays or less metric because I figured that if the defense found itself in a disadvantageous position, "resistance" could best be measured by whether or not the opposing offense needed more than one set of downs to score a touchdown.

The full catalog can be found here. In 2007, there were 44 such instances.

Apply the same measure to DeLoach so far this season, and his defense has allowed 38 touchdowns that meet the criteria through 10 games. In 2007, NT allowed 5 such touchdowns against MTSU and Arkansas State, and also allowed 5 such touchdowns in the last two games of the season. If DeLoach carries over the same results from either case, his defense will allow 43 touchdown drives that meet those standards.

43 isn't a dramatic improvement from 44, but again... Considering the circumstances leading into both seasons, to see any improvement is grounds for cautious optimism.

And remember, the 2:30 measure was just a random number that I pulled out of my ass. If the bar is set at 2:15, the comparison is 43 in 2007 vs. 33 so far in 2008. At 2:00, it's 40 in 2007 compared to 32 in 2008.

In 2006, there were only 12 total drives that took 3 plays or fewer or met the 2:30 criteria, 10 that met the 2:15, and 9 that were 2:00 or less.

When you apply the same metrics that convinced me the previous DC needed to be replaced, DeLoach is doing better with a less experienced and unproven lineup. So while we're still nowhere close to the bar set by our adequate defense of 2006 (to say nothing of DeLoach's success in his last term at North Texas), we are seeing a potential 20-25% reduction in these sorts of defensive collapses in DeLoach's first year back.

Is the defense performing at a level that's acceptable in the long run? Certainly not.

But given DeLoach's history, given the encouraging (though admittedly subjective) signs that we're seeing on the field, and given that the sort of defensive breakdowns that I felt were most troubling are slightly to significantly better this season... I think there's still plenty of reason to believe DeLoach will turn the defense around.

The main reason to believe in him is his past success here. Granted, history doesn't earn him a lifetime pass from being judged on results. And getting bad results under worse circumstances than his predecessor doesn't excuse the bad results themselves. And improving the worst breakdowns a little doesn't eliminate the breakdowns that are still happening.

But I can't think of any North Texas coach since the return to 1-A football that was more deserving of the benefit of the doubt than Gary DeLoach.

Travels with Tina: Halloween Homecoming (Part 1)

2008-10-31T22:51:00.012-06:00

The Convention & Visitors Bureau really goes all out to make a guy feel welcome.

It’s Halloween, and I’m spending the night in the most terrifying chamber of horrors in the entire state of Texas: the city of Waco.

What the hell am I doing here? Well, it's homecoming for Baylor, the alma mater of Ursa Domina. She's been tremendously indulgent about coming to North Texas sporting events both good (basketball) and bad (football) for more than a year, and she's called in the debt by making me suffer in this godforsaken wasteland for two days and one night.

Baylor is a very nice school with a beautiful campus and an excellent academic reputation (even when you consider their whole "gaming the SAT system" debacle). Put it anywhere else in the state, even Lubbock, and I wouldn't hesitate at all to visit with a smile on my face.

But Waco is the place where joy goes to die. Hope and dreams can't survive here. The smile on my face withers and dies the moment we cross the city line.

Among the fascinating facts I’ve learned about Waco from the lovely lady: Waco has the highest number of homeless people (per capita) in America. Also, Waco has enough churches that a spiritually confused student can go to a different one each Sunday of their college career. I suspect that only works for the typical Baylor college career, not the North Texas music student’s standard 8-10 year plan.

One new fact we both learned from an I-35 billboard is that the number of murders is up dramatically, and Waco is now the 7th most violent city in Texas. But according to Wikipedia, Waco is only the 21st largest city in the state (just smaller than Beaumont, just bigger than Carrollton). This means that the good people of Waco are getting murdered at a prodigious rate, even without the help of the federal government.

Lots of homeless, abundant churchgoing options, and an astronomical violent crime rate. What's not to love?

Behold the best restaurant in town. They're open whenever the hell they feel like it, unless they change their minds.

The restaurant above is Kitok's, the best meal in town. From the outside, it looks like the sort of abandoned building where a mafia informant would be tortured to death. And it's in a particularly unappealing part of town... Which is really saying something when you're talking about Waco.

When the lovely lady and I first started seeing each other, she was in her last semester at Baylor. Completely baffled as to what possible attractions and non-chain dining options Waco might hold, I called up a recent Baylor grad and asked him about any place he could think of that was suitable for courting a young lady. He took a day to think it over and reflect on his four years in town, and he gave me a written list of all the restaurants, sights, and destinations.

He wrote the entire list, including names, addresses/directions, and brief descriptions, on the front and part of the back of one standard sized Post-It note. I'm not kidding. And even that list was padded to include some very questionable suggestions, like visiting and photographing an unexceptional bridge.

At the top of the list was Kitok's, a Korean/Chinese/Hamburger restaurant. Unfortunately, Kitok's has the most bizarre hours of any eating establishment I've ever tried to visit. The proprietors may very well have designed their schedule to confuse and torture pathetic Waco residents desperate for quality food. Some nights, they close at 7 or 8. Some nights, they're not open at all. And one time, after we had called early in the week to make sure they'd be open when we got there, we arrived to find a locked door and a sign saying that they had spontaneously decided to close down for a two week vacation. It took two months of trying before we finally got in the place. It's worth the effort, though. If you're trapped in Waco and you're hungry, cross your fingers and try to get in to Kitok's. I recommend the bulgogi.

Homecoming means two things: Carnival Rides...

...and a Bonfire.

We're here for the weekend with one of Ursa Domina's sorority friends and her boyfriend Nick, who regular readers may remember as the guy who's first college game was the North Texas/FIU game... An experience that he enjoyed, despite the fact that the game itself was, in his words, as much fun as watching someone kick his dog to death. He's a med student and an emergency room technician, and the first words out of his mouth when we got near the carnival rides were ones of warning. Whenever the carnival is in town, hardly a day goes by in the emergency room that someone isn't brought in with some sort of severed or mangled limb.

I'm pretty fond of all my appendages, so we skipped the rides. Nick and I decided to go explore the event on our own and leave the girlfriends to hug their old sorority sisters and talk to everyone in unusually fast paced, high pitched voices. As long as we were around, they all had to pretend that they didn't haze the crap out of each other as part of their sorority initiations, and sustaining that sort of massive lie can be exhausting. You could ask anyone who was involved in faking the moon landings, if only the strain of perpetuating that myth hadn't killed them all.

Anyway... Back to the Homecoming attractions.

I am strictly forbidden from making any more jokes about people who play basketball at Baylor killing each other. But if I were allowed to, this is where the jokes would go.

Sadly, it is not socially acceptable for this man to wear his Muppet costume and garbage can on days other than Halloween Homecoming.

If TY had been here with us, he would have squealed like a little girl, because free face painting was available for all ages.

But inflatable sports attractions, snazzy costumes, face paint, and bottomless cups of free hot chocolate (thanks, Alpha Delta Pi tent!) are just appetizers. The Baylords and ladies come back on Homecoming weekend for some Art Briles pep rally excitement and a roaring bonfire.

The Baylor cheerleaders work the pep rally stage in a wholesome, 100% family friendly way.

If your eyes weren't magnetically drawn to the big snazzy stage or the scandalous exposed cheerleader calves, you may have noticed the crowd throwing up their University gang sign: The Sic 'em Bears Paw. In the first Baylor edition of Travels with Tina, I described it as a mix between the tomahawk chop and a bad mime pretending to play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

These people are crazy about their Sic' em Bears Paw. They're totally nuts about it. I mean, I love to throw up the Talon whenever I get the slightest excuse... But these Baylor Homecoming folks turn their hand signs into a mass orgasmic, religious experience.

It appears the Pizza Inn Nazi already brainwashed the Baylor faithful decades ago.

The "Sic 'em Bears" experience: Is it some sort of tent revivalist rapture?

Or a freakish, kinky, hypnotic spell?

Once Briles and the Baylor seniors were done instilling the crowd with an appropriate measure of pep and the Sic-ing 'em was (mostly) over with, it was time for the Baptists to embrace their inner Zoroastrian.

The most adorable little bonfire I've ever seen.

Keeping the bonfire in the center of campus is a priority, so Baylor is forced to keep things very, very small. So small that if their bonfire stack collapsed on me, I could probably just lift it all off and get back up without straining too hard. So small that emergency management brings tweezers instead of a fire truck because splinters are a greater threat than flames. So small that... Well, you get the idea. Baylor's bonfire is a good show and a fun time, but a week ago I watched the massive Mean Green stack almost (with apologies to Hank Williams) set the woods on fire.

So while Baylor may have a huge carnival atmosphere, double our bonfire attendance, a better conference affiliation, and a higher US News and World Report academic ranking... North Texas totally kicks Baylor's ass at unleashing the raw power of fire.

The big, big crowd enjoys a tiny, tiny bonfire.

After the bonfire was over (I believe a group of 6 or 7 volunteers urinated on the flames to put them out, campfire style), it was time for me to buy some new clothes. Other than my Texas Douche Halloween costume from last year, I can't remember the last time I got a piece of non-North Texas branded college apparel. But, since the lovely lady is almost always dressed in a North Texas shirt at Mean Green games, I am not allowed to be a Douche at Baylor games anymore. I now own one of the Baylor t-shirts shown below.

Even in Waco, Texas Douche needs wardrobe options.

And while we were out shopping for that shirt, we saw something truly amazing...

Gas cheaper than $2.00 a gallon? Could it possibly be true?

For the first time since Hurricane Katrina, we bought a gallon of gas for less than two bucks. I guess that if you believe in the Great Pumpkin long enough, eventually you get a Halloween miracle to reward your faith.

As bad as Waco may suck... At least it's cheap to get back out of here.

Tomorrow, more Baylor Homecoming adventures, and then I'm getting the hell out of here as fast as possible.

Hopefully, nobody murders me first.